Wonders
by ISmile4BTR
Summary: Before Logan lost his parents he had had a dream. A dream that he couldn't put anywhere, only after a tragical accident that took his beloved mom and dad away. He had presaged the loss. He fell into a deep depression, but he healed after long months of therapy. But what happened when the dream came back? Logan assumed it meant that he was going to lose the only person in his life.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: hey! Yes a new story from me.. lol I just couldn't live with this idea in my head and not writing it.. so here it is... much drama and love to come amongst tragical incidences... Jagan, my first Jagan :) hope you will enjoy!**

**Summary: before Logan lost his parents he had had a dream. A dream that he couldn't put anywhere, only after the tragical accident that took his beloved mom and dad away. He had presaged the loss. He fell into a deep depression, but he healed after long months of therapy. But what happened when the dream came back? Logan assumed it meant that he was going to lose the only person in his life who was left for him. It was James, his boyfriend.**

* * *

**- Chapter 1 –**

* * *

He sat on the edge of the bed. It was two hours after midnight, and a half hour after they passed out. But he couldn't sleep again. It was the third time that he woke up that night. Nightmares didn't let him have his well needed rest.

Logan didn't want to disturb James' dreams, too, but his boyfriend opened his eyes in the moment when he felt Logan slipping out of his hold and with that the beloved warmth of his body ceased to be against his bare chest.

James sighing watched Logan bending his face into his palms and sobbing quietly.

"It won't go away." Logan cried feeling James' arms wrapping around his naked torso. "It won't. It won't."

His boyfriend tried to calm him, he whispered him that it was going to be all right, but Logan couldn't really believe it.

It had been going that way for too long now.

"Come on, come back to bed. I'll hold you." James told him and moved up on the bed dragging Logan with himself.

They settled under the covers again. Just like before Logan had woken up, they were closely against one another, Logan's head on James' chest, James' arms keeping Logan warm and safe.

"This can't be real, James. I can't deal with the same pain once again. I don't know.. I gotta find a way to avoid it."

"There won't be any problem. These are just dreams." James told him, though he knew that Logan thought about those dreams the straight opposite way.

"You know that for me they are not. Once… once this happened already. It came true. It was terrible."

"You didn't know about it. And you couldn't have said a stop to the happenings even if you would have known that it actually was going to happen. Sleep now. We will talk in the morning. And go back to Dr. Knight. Sleep now my baby, sleep." James whispered kissing Logan's head and caressing him into another period of sleep.

He hoped Logan wouldn't wake again till the morning. He was in urgent need of a good sleep.

* * *

"Logan!" Dr. Robert Knight welcomed the upcoming Logan and James in his office.

The man swallowed and sighed stepping into that office again, now when he had already thought he wouldn't need this anymore. Sitting there for an hour 3 times a week and talking about everything. Talking wasn't his thing at all.

It wasn't that he didn't like Dr. Knight. He was most likely one of the best in his speciality. But that never ceasing feeling of being sick couldn't let him stay calm for a moment.

He hated being like this.

He hated being like this and talking about it.

He believed he wasn't completely normal for being in such trauma.

Logan, in fact, was just afraid of losing people he loved, because they meant life for him.

And he had already lost a half of it.

He just didn't want to lose something else again.

And with worrying over such things he only drawned himself into deeper depression.

That was his reason of being at the office again.

"Mr. Diamond." Dr. Knight addressed James when he was about to step into the office, too, right after Logan. "You know that I prefer being alone with the patient.

James was more than anxious than he would have let Logan be alone. "And you know that I prefer being by my boyfriend's side. Always."

"James, please." Logan rolled his eyes and lowered into the comfortable arm chair.

James looked over the doctor's shoulder and sighed, "okay. I'll be out here. I love you."

Then Logan smiled a little, and although he didn't make a sound James could read in the look on his face. It said gratefully "I love you, too."

"Well, Logan." The doctor took his seat right in front of Logan. "How have you been? What's brought you here again, and why so sudden?"

"I have similar dreams again." Logan answered shortly, looking down at his linked hands. They were sweating, and it was very frustrating.

The doctor slowly slid a box of tissues on the coffee table next to them toward him. Logan took one out and dried his hands. When he was finished Robert asked, "the ones you had before your parents' death?"

"Yes." A short reply came again.

"And you're afraid of something tragical happening again, right?"

"Yes. How could I not be?" Logan said nervously.

"I don't know, Logan. You should know that these are just dreams and most likely don't mean anything. You shouldn't link your dreams with reality."

"I thought the same before my parents died, too. I knew it. I felt it. I saw it. I saw all the things. The car." His tears broke out of his eyes. Not only because of the memory of that hard period after he had lost his parents, but because he dreamed similar now again. And it kept him upset. "The funeral. The pain. I feel the pain again. I know someone will get hurt again. When I had these dreams.. when … when I dreamed about it two years ago, soon that accident happened. I haven't dreamed like that since they are gone. Not till a month ago."

"If I remember well, you lost your parents circa 6 weeks after your first dream, right?"

"Yes." Logan said. 4 weeks had been gone now again. Which meant that two more were left. Two weeks and he was going to lose someone important. And since there was now only one important person in his life, it could be only him. James.

Thinking that through again he started to sob. A panic attack was near Dr. Knight knew it. The only one who could calm him in such situation was James. He rushed to get him.

As the door opened James' eyes were on the doctor and without being told a word, he ran to his boyfriend.

He wrapped Logan up in his arms and let him cry on his shoulder. "Logan, Logan. Shhh…" James kept trying. It took nearly 20 minutes when Logan's breathing was back at normal.

Then James still holding him moved a bit away. "Can you continue?" Robert asked.

Logan nodded, James caressed his head softly. "You don't have to. It just makes everything worse."

"No, it doesn't. I have to know how serious his statement is."

"Can you not do that without causing him such attacks?" James was now very angry. Though he was the one bringing Logan there again now he wondered why he did such thing when once it ended very badly. Logan ended up on the ER because of a panic attack, because Dr. Knight couldn't stop asking him his unsettling questions.

"Look, Mr. Diamond. This is how it works. If you don't like it then don't come to me again. I helped Logan getting over it once. I will help him once again. You've brought him here to help him before something happens. Because obviously he is in the fear of something happening again. And so you are. Otherwise you weren't here. Just let me do my job."

"I know."

Logan started to talk out of nowhere. "There is something different now though."

"What is it?" the doctor and James asked in unison. The doc gave James a dirty look.

"There is a crash. A heartbreaking noise of a crash."

"It wasn't there years ago?"

"No. I saw the car crashing into another, but then there wasn't a noise. Not such. And I feel it literally tearing me apart."

They were talking about the dream and all the feelings that weighed Logan's heart for about another half hour.

"Look, Logan. I can give you some pills to take, they might help the dreams go away, but I know that the feeling won't go. And I don't think that you are in the right state to get any sedative formulation anyways. What caused your problems after your parents' death was the fact that you thought you could have done anything if you connected the dream with reality. If you believed that what you saw was going to happen. But it is not true. We discussed it back then. You couldn't have stopped it. So please, don't do the same thing now in advance and don't get yourself into such situation because of some unreal assumptions deriving from your dreams and from what happened to your mother and father. It will make you unhappy, depressed, you will lose yourself. Rather than that, here is your boyfriend who loves you more than anything, live your life, be happy with him, let him be happy with you, and calm down. Things will be all right."

"Okay." Logan said but believed nothing from the words that the doctor said. It wasn't just casual. His parents died after he dreamed this. They were the most important thing for him beyond James. And now it's only James who was left. If he dreamed about it again, he was going to lose him, too.

He knew it.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: a little longer chapter now... :) Logan seems to be crazy in this fic, and i don't know how you guys who read feel about this, but I promise that this won't last long, and everything will have sense sooner or later...**

**and also I promise that soon you guys are going to know more about the guys.. welcome Kendall now, and there is mention of Carlos, too :)**

**thanks for reading :) please review!**

* * *

**- Chapter 2 -**

* * *

"Oh hello, Kendall." James shook hands with the young blonde that was Dr. Knight's son. "What are you doing here?"

"James," he smiled widely at the taller brunette, than gave a nod to Logan, too. He could sense that if they were at his dad's office there was a problem, so he was saying only a solid "hi" to the smaller boy. "Just want to catch dad before he heads to the other half of the town. I need some signatures from him, you know business things."

"Yeah sure. How have you been? Haven't seen you in a long time." James asked.

Kendall sighed, "good, everything's good, but still it's hard. You know. How about you guys?"

"We're fine. Just needed some of those talks with your dad." Logan said faking a smile. James knew him enough to be sure in that that Logan didn't feel as well as he acted.

"Good, yeah. Dad is … dad.. we all know how he works. It's hard with him but he can help a lot. I guess. You know, James, now that you are here, do you still do modeling?"

"Yeah, I do if an opportunity comes, but also I'm trying to break in to the music industry."

"Yeah, I remember you told me that you want to sing, but now I know a job that you would be perfect for." Kendall said and went through the bunch of papers in his hands. Then he pulled out one catalogue. "Would you be up to apply this job? They are looking for a face to their new product family, you know, a bunch of men-care thing. I think you have a great chance there."

"Woah, okay. Thank you, I'm gonna call them."

Kendall's face lit up every time a sweet smile took over James' face. "Good, just be quick. They are auditioning for two more days yet. The work will start next week the latest, if I know well."

"Oh okay. That's very soon though. But I will think about it." James said.

"Good. Well then, I gotta hurry now. Be good, guys, hope to see you both soon." Kendall smiled and after a handshake with James and with a nod to Logan again, he made it to his dad's office.

"This guy has got a huge crush on you." Logan said to James after Kendall left and James wanted to head toward the exit.

"And if he does?" James grabbed Logan's hand once again, but still gently and calm as ever. Logan was very jealous of a man but they had never had a problem because of it. Because James really loved Logan, and he wouldn't have even looked at other guys THAT way. "We most likely won't meet again anytime soon, so you shouldn't worry. Plus you know me well enough, do you not? I love you and only you and anyone can come and anything can happen I won't stop loving you, I won't start loving someone else rather than you."

"I'm sorry." Logan bent his head and let James take the lead; they were walking out of the building in a slow pace.

Logan was quiet during the way home, James only listened to rain dropping onto the top of the car.

When they arrived home they both fell onto the couch like they had been working hard all day. Truth be told, Logan's problems made their life very hard. They were worn out, didn't sleep regularly and it was starting to get to James, too. Even though he was used to working a lot and getting less sleep, it was different.

"You should try that job." Logan sighed.

"I don't really know, Logan. It sounds like something huge. That company is known all over the world. If I were their face I should be going round and round in the country for shows to advertise their shit. If not around the whole world. I'm not going to leave you, no matter what job it is."

"James." Logan squeezed his hands that he had been holding since they had been sitting there. "You've always wanted such fame. If you get this job, you'll get it. You know, too, that you were good in the last couple of years but never done something so huge. You gotta try this at least. If that Kendall guy tells you that you have a chance then you sure do. I bet he even makes a call or two for you." He looked deeply into James' hazel eyes. It hurt him to say all these things, because he didn't want James to go away, either. Plus he didn't want to lose sight of him, knowing that he was safe was the most important thing for Logan now. But on the other hand, he felt like he needed some time alone. Maybe if he wouldn't love him so much, he wouldn't be in danger? Logan didn't know. But he knew that he needed to do something.

"Logan Mitchell, I know you well enough to be fully aware of your intentions. You won't make me fall apart from you. It won't make anything better but worse. You'd break my heart. You want that?" he caressed his face. A little stubble was already growing on his smooth skin.

"No. Of course not. But if it means that you're alive then yes. I just need to be all alone in the world and then you are not in danger. Nobody will be till they are not too close to me."

"Logan, that's bullshit. Please stop it. It starts making me go crazy." James said but his voice was still as consistent as ever. He couldn't talk angrily, not even when fury ate him up inside.

"You're indeed crazy for being in love with me." Logan laughed. That was the first time in a long while that something made him laugh, or at least smile a bit.

"Crazy in love, baby. You won't get rid of my love, not ever." James pulled him in to his chest closely, and told him "I love you" as many times as he could before they both passed out.

It wasn't noon yet, but they were so exhausted that none of them could keep their eyes open.

"So, will you call them?" Logan poked his food with his fork. Soon after they woke up from their nap, they cooked a lunch together. Logan didn't wake once during that two hours that they slept, and it set up a good mood between them, a better, relaxed mood, where James could think more clearly, too.

James swallowed a mouthful of rice, "I might" he said then. "If you promise me nothing will change between us, and you're going to believe that wherever life takes me I love you, and I know that you love me, too. And nothing, and I mean NOTHING" he emphasized "will make me forget that how you feel, okay?"

"Yes. What would you say if I'm thinking about getting a job myself."

"I'd be happy!" James' face lit up even more. "What are you thinking about?"

"The hospital. They told me that they are waiting for me."

"Good." James reached over the top of the table to take his hand. "I'm proud of you for making that decision."

"Yeah you know. These past two years when I was a home nurse made me see a lot of things. I didn't feel like going as surgeon, but now I think I could make it. It would make me see the difference between real life and dreams and all that.. do you think I can make it? I mean.. will they see that something is not right?"

"Logan, everything is all right if you believe it. Look, I think just took this month yet to get over with this dream thing. We will spend a lot time together, if not, then you will come with me wherever I go, if I go. You will be perfectly okay, and then you won't need to think about such things. I know you're afraid of the huge responsibility, but you can make it. And I also know that you are scared of your mind not being clear enough. So that's why I tell you to wait a couple of weeks yet, okay?"

"Yeah. I wasn't thinking of going there straight away tomorrow." He laughed and leant closer to James to touch his lips. There was a soft, short kiss longing between them, but it was all perfect. Every touch between them, every look, and every word was perfect, always.

Logan had graduated from med school before his parents died. He had already worked as home male nurse helping people out who needed it but couldn't go to the hospital. When he lost his parents he quitted for a couple of months. Meanwhile he finished the therapy with Dr. Knight and when he felt healed again, and so the doctor recommended him going back to work, he did so and continued his job. Which he loved very much. He was glad that he didn't go straight away as surgeon, he wasn't fully sure of his abilities, even though everyone else knew that there was no reason to worry.

When a month ago his dreams had come back he stopped working again.

But on their way home from the doctor's office Logan had started to think about all the things that he'd been through with James, and all the things that they were planning to do together yet. He could see and feel that James loved him very much, and remembered well that after he lost his mother and father it was James who helped him through the hard times. If he believed him back then, why didn't he want to believe him, now, too? Logan asked himself that question many times that morning. If James said that everything will be all right, then things were going to be all right for sure. Logan came to this point after all.

And he needed to be stable to make James believe that everything was fine. So he got himself together and decided about going back to work, but also decided about somehow making sure that James won't get hurt. He wouldn't live that through.

_It's all so confusing. _Logan thought as he ate his meal while James was talking about something. About his ex boyfriend, Carlos. They were very good friends with James, nothing had changed, even though they weren't together and even though it was now Logan who James was in love with. Logan accepted their friendship, only because Carlos lived far away playing hockey on the other side of the country. But he didn't know what he would do if this Carlos boy would be back anytime.

As much as he wanted James to leave him now, he didn't want it, too. It was terrible to think about James kissing someone else than him, holding someone else and telling those sweet nothings that he told to him, to someone completely new, or old, or whoever.

But in Logan's head this seemed to be the perfect solution to his problems.

He didn't want James to die because of being with him.

James needed to go and be with someone new so he would be still alive.

And Logan would be alone.

Because that's what he was born for.

To be alone.

That's why he lost his parents.

And that's why he assumed that he was going to lose James, too.

Because his fate was being alone and helping others.

Or doing anything else, but alone, all alone.

"Hey?" James waved in front of Logan's eyes as he realized that his boyfriend wasn't listening to him. "Do you know what I am talking about?"

"Yeah." Logan lied. Then grinned, "sorry, no."

James sighed, "whatever."

"I was just thinking about all the things that we have to do. You with the modeling again, and me with the hospital. I got lost in thoughts, sorry." He linked their hands again and smiled.

"What's changed since we left Knight?" James asked suspecting that this sudden change hid something at the back of Logan's mind.

"It's nothing.. just that if I don't take my mind off then I will go crazy. I am not crazy yet but if I stuck where I am then sooner or later I am going to be that. And I don't want to be crazy. Because if I am, then I can't do all things that I wish to do. Helping all the people that need help and much much more."

"Okay. That was convincing enough." James rose and pulled Logan up. "Remember what I promised. You can do whatever you want, I'll love you forever. Even if it seems like I do not. We never know what life has in store for us, and I cannot imagine why I would need to pretend like I don't love you, but know that if it ever seems like I forgot about you, it's just acting. Because I will love you, always." He kissed Logan's forehead that closed his eyes and swallowed a sob.

James loved him with everything he had.

And he loved him, too.

That's why they weren't allowed to be together.

Logan thought it that way.

And if everything was going to happen the way they did when his parents died, he only had two weeks.

Two weeks till he was going to be torn apart from James forever.

Two weeks to save James.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: **hey.. new chapther here. There is not much happening here yet but in the next chapter there is going to be, trust me! Ok? And don't tell me what to write if I don't ask it, because I write it how I want to write it and you're welcome to stop reading if you don't like what I am doing here. Bye and sorry for any mistakes you may find, thanks for your love, reviews and all :)

* * *

**- Chapter 3 -**

* * *

Happens that James finally got the job that Kendall offered to him. It made Logan, too very happy. It seemed like James was going to go away for a couple of weeks to promote the company's products.

Of course James didn't want to leave Logan, he didn't believe that Logan was fully fine, the change was too sudden and he was suspicious. That caused lots of fights between them.

"I don't think that you're sick, Logan." James yelled when Logan tried to convince him about the importance of this job and that he shouldn't screw it.

"You just now said that "in this mental state" I would need you here with me."

"Because you do need me! Logan, something's not right with this thing. Whatever you have in mind it won't work. Just remember what I told you the other day." James turned around and walked out of the door.

Logan hopped on to the bed and sighed. "You're going to go. You've got to."

* * *

It was at another photoshoot for James that afternoon when he met Kendall.

"Hey. How is it goin'?" Kendall asked.

"Not really well, man." James said changing one shirt to another one. "I don't know if I can make this job. I don't wanna leave Logan."

"Oh. Your boyfriend. Right?"

"Yeah." James nodded.

"You know, I don't wanna butt into your things but if he doesn't mind it then you should go with the opportunity. You signed the contract James. You know you'll have to go. Next week." Kendall looked at the schedule in his hands and told James a couple of towns where James was going to have to appear at in the following month.

"That's a lot." James groaned. "I don't even know why I agreed to it."

"Logan supports you, right? He told you to make it. Nobody knows better than him if he is indeed okay and is ready for such change in your relationship. Only him." Kendall pointed out. "You should listen to him, and trust him. Has he ever wanted something bad for you?"

"No." James shook his head.

Kendall shrugged his shoulders, "then? Why do you doubt his word now?"

"Because ... uh he is having some problems lately."

"Really? I didn't know it man. Sorry." Kendall really didn't want to get into James' things, so he rose from his seat and was about to leave.

"But recently he is doing very well." James continued so then Kendall sat back next to him. "I mean, he is smiling and is trying to prepare for getting back to work again. He seems to be fine. And this is what worries me the most."

"I don't think you should be worried. Why would you doubt his well being? Be happy for it! He sure wants to make you happy and not get you, too depressed with his problems. It doesn't mean that he is not well. It means that he wants to do anything he can to avoid you getting upset over him being a bit out of control. It only makes things worse if he senses that you're worrying very much. You know, with a little unstable mental state people can often think that others consider them sick, which they are not actually. They have some problem but it doesn't supposedly mean that they are indeed sick. But they can feel it like that with too much worrying around them. And this is what is going to make them sick for real." Kendall explained like a good therapist.

"You've spent too much time with your dad, Kendall. Are you not a photographer or what? " James laughed. "But you're right."

"Yeah, let's take it like I didn't hear that note." Kendall grinned. "But of course I am right. In the world of fashion there are a lot of sick people, Kendall. Those are indeed sick. They get sick of this whole thing going on here. But some of them haven't lost their mind yet. Not as long as people don't push them toward sickness. Don't let that happen to Logan."

* * *

"Logan, baby." James settled into bed next to his boyfriend. He was fast asleep when he got home from the photo shoot. And however he didn't want to wake him and disturb his apparently calm dream, he did stroke his arm. He wanted Logan to know that he had decided about the job, the sooner the better.

"Hmm." Logan murmured. "What are you doing?" he asked turning to face James.

"Just wanna tell you something. Then you can go back to sleep, I promise." James whispered kissing his forehead.

"Spill then. I had a nice dream this time."

"Good to hear that. You're sure you're okay, Logan? No more dreams? No more worrying about losing me?"

"I'll always be worried because of that but not that way, no, not anymore." Of course this wasn't fully true but James didn't need to know it. Sometimes his dreams would come back still, but not as much as before. Logan didn't know the reason of it. Part of him was happy that there was not that much nightmares anymore, but another part of him was worried even more. Did it mean that they had started to fall apart, less emotional bond and less chance of James' death? No. He loved James. And James loved him, too. But then what happened?

"Okay. Then. I believe you. I love you, and I want the best for us, for you. So I'll go and do the job, wherever I'll have to go, I will do it. Since you want me to do it so badly."

"Thank you." Logan leant up to kiss James on the lips. "But don't do it for me. Do it for yourself, please."

"Of course." James smiled.

* * *

"So Logan. Why did you want a quick appointment?" Dr. Knight asked Logan was they were comfortably settled in the office.

"My dreams have decimated compared to two weeks ago."

"And why is that wrong?"

"Because I don't know what it means." Logan said shifting in his seat.

Dr. Knight sighed. "Logan, you should worry much less and you'd have less problems."

"I know. But I can't stop thinking about what might happen. It's only a week away now."

"How are you getting on with James? Does he know that you're still very worried?"

"No. He doesn't. I try to act normally, and mostly I feel normally, too, just .. sometimes.. when I start to think about past and present and... I just can't take it."

"You should keep yourself busy to avoid the much thinking, Logan. Seriously. Go and do something."

"I'll work again from next week. Just when James leaves. I didn't want to go back so early... but the hospital needs a hand."

"Do you think you can make it?"

"Do you think I can not? Do you think I am sick?"

"No, Logan. I think work will do wonders to you."

"Really?" Logan asked raising his eyebrows.

"Yes. So be confident about going back. Don't worry. And now our time is up." Dr. Knight looked at the clock on the wall.

"Yeah. Okay. Thank you." With that Logan was out of the office.

Walking out of the building he ran into Kendall.

"Hey. Logan. Here again? Everything's fine?" Kendall asked nicely.

"Yes. I just needed a little confidence boost before going back to work." Logan laughed.

"That's great. James told me you're planning on going back."

"Oh by the way." Logan stopped Kendall who just got into saying good bye, "can you please not tell him about me being here?"

"Of course."

* * *

"Are you sure about this?" James asked standing already on the airport but still doubting that he should leave Logan.

"James. I tomorrow start at the hospital. I will work a lot. i will be okay. And so will be you. I know it now. We'll talk every night. Or whenever we can. I need some time to be alone though."

"Just remember I will always love you, doesn't matter what you're doing or thinking." James kissed him.

"Yeah. I love you, too." Logan pulled away. "See you soon, baby."

* * *

"Dr. Mitchell, Dr. Mitchell, you have a call on line 3."

The speaker said on the hallways of the hospital. Logan rushed out of the patient's room once he was finished. He felt that it sure was James in the line, and he was very excited because they couldn't talk last night.

"Dr. Mitchell." Logan picked up the phone.

"Hello, doctor." James' voice came through the line. "How are you doing?"

"I'm doing very well. Work takes my mind off very well." Logan said looking at the watch on his left wrist. He knew that he was going to be at an operation in a couple of minutes. So he wanted to make the chat quick. "And are you okay? Do you miss me a little bit?"

"No. Logan." James sighed. Logan's jaw dropped, he almost could hear the imaginary noise of it hitting the floor. "I do miss you a lot, baby. Every minute of the day. And I'm a bit worried even."

"Ah." Logan sighed in relief. "You scared me, you bastard. I love you so much. Don't worry, please. Just live that fabolous life of the models as yourself, and enjoy the fame. You deserve it. Till you get home I build my carreer here."

"I'm still surprised what's going on in your mind. One day you're still panicking about losing me, and then suddenly everything's all right."

"James." Logan said. "It wasn't all of a sudden. It's been two weeks ago that you've left. And it's a slow continous proceed and not that sudden at all. Just trust me, I'm fine."

"And what about your dream? Aren't you worried anymore?"

"No. James. I don't have any more dreams. Really. I sometimes though wonder what it supposed to mean but doesn't matter now."

"Yeah. That's right." James replied not exactly knowing what to say.

"Baby, I gotta rush. Talk later, okay?" Logan asked.

"Yes, Okay. I gotta go, too. Be good." James said goodbye and they hung up the phone.

It was two weeks ago when James had left and the day when Logan expected something bad to happen had passed as well. There was nothing bad. For Logan's surprise he didn't even notice that it was that day already. He was working all day, spent almost the whole day with operations, and he didn't even think about it. Just next morning when he woke up yet in the hospital in the stuff room.

As his eyes flew open his thoughts immediately wandered to James. _What about him? Is he okay? _He dug his phone out from his back pocket and checked his missed calls. There was nothing. No messages, no calls. He quickly made a call to James. Neither of them said how relieved they were, but both of them was indeed relieved. James knew exactly, too that it was that day, and though he didn't believe that something would have happened to him, he was afraid of it, because of Logan. Because he knew that part of him still believed that something bad might have happened, and James couldn't deal with the thought of causing Logan such pain what would come with his death. So that day he was very careful and didn't even go near a car. It was a slow Saturday when he was at a studio making photoshoot after photoshoot, so he was safe.

After they talked they both calmed down. But then again a bit of something told Logan that it wasn't right this way. His dream had to mean something and if it had not happened yet, then it was going to happen later. But he tried very hard not thinking about it. He hoped if they could make it till now with forgetting about all this stupid dream thing, then they could make it further, too.

He hoped.

And so did James.

* * *

Weeks came and went by and it was a busy day for Logan at the hospital.

He was happy, very happy because his dreams now had fully disappeared. James would come home every week at least once. So they could spend some time together, and never forgot about loving each other through any distance or problem.

"Hello, darling. How's everything going?" Logan walked in to his actually youngest patient. A seven year old boy.

"I'm fine." He replied shortly and faked a smile but Logan could sense the sadness in his little blue eyes. The boy, Adam, had lost his parents in the car accident that got him into hospital, too. When Logan made the operation on him it seemed like he wasn't going to make it either. It was like he didn't want to fight once he knew that his parents weren't there anymore either. But Logan didn't let him go.

"I've got something for you." Logan pulled out a sketch book and pencils. "I've heard that someone's bored in here and also that you've got some help from the nurses. Saw that you drew there some nice things. And it deserves a real place to draw on to. Here you go."

Adam smiled widely. "Thank you!" He sat up immediately and took the gifts. With a nice smile on his face he started with a few colorful lines across the paper.

Logan looked at his new little budy and sat on the edge of his bed caressing his head while thinking. He knew this one thing had yet missed from his life. A child.

Maybe someday.

But till then, there was a lot to go.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: sorry it took long again but yeah life is busy mainly if you are writing too many fictions at a time haha okay, enjoy and please review :) **

thanks to _Faith777, k3spidermangurl, DeniseDEMD, iggle731, bmwstamps_ for reviewing chapter 3 :) and to everyone who has favorited and followed the fic :) keep it up guys! more soon, I promise :)

* * *

**Chapter 4**

* * *

Yet again weeks came and went by, Logan walking out of his favorite patient's room noticed that his phone was buzzing in his pocket. The smile spreading on his face literally lit up the entire floor. Most of the time when Logan would he would be busy with thoughts and open for new challenges day after day. But lately he was different again. All he could think about was the long distance keeping him away from his love, and sadness quickly took over him any time of the day.

There were two ways to make him smile. One, his young patient, Adam, he could put a smile on Logan's face where and whenever, and second, James. A text, an e-mail, a picture of him in a magazine or on the TV was already enough, but if he called, he could was shining from the joy.

"Logan!" Obviously James nearly jumped out of his skin, too when he had a chance to talk to his boyfriend. "How are you my love?"

"I'm great. Now I am." He said to the phone while leaning onto the counter in the staff room. "Just a bit of tired."

"Are you still at work?" James was ready to give him a talk, Logan felt it coming. "But it must be around two in the morning there. Why are you there so late? You're never ... why?"

"Because being at home in that empty house is boring, James. I can't sleep anyways, so I just take some extra shift if I can. I get more money."

The heavy sigh escaping James' was hearable through thousands of miles that parted them. "I don't really like this. Logan, I heard that the less you sleep the more chance you get nightmares and I don't like the idea of you getting back there."

"Since you know Kendall you think you are smarter than me."

"That was sharp." James said and then went silent.

Logan knew he was harsh indeed, so he tried to apologize. "Sorry, baby. I know you're just worried. But I get enough sleep and I don't have nightmares."

"Fine then. I believe you." James of course couldn't be mad at Logan. "Guess what?"

"I don't think my brain functions work properly for such game, James. Just tell me."

James laughed before he spoke. "I'll see you tomorrow. Early in the morning I'm landing."

"No way!" Logan jumped up from his seat, he felt like an energy bomb just hit him. "Why didn't you start with this? Oh my God, this is so good! I can't wait. I'll go to you to the airport."

"No you don't come to me. I can find the way home. Just stay safe at home, okay?"

"Okay."

"But really, be at home by the time I get there."

"Don't worry. My shift is over in two minutes." Logan's heart raced in his chest, he came alive again. "God. I can't believe it. I haven't seen you, in what, two months?"

"Or so." After a little pause James said, "I've got to hang up now. I love you, Logan."

"I love you, too. See you, soon." The words "see you" felt strange on Logan's tongue.

"See you." With the sound of a kiss James said good bye, and then the line went dead.

* * *

The house was quiet as it had always been lately. Stepping into it was just as weird as the thought of seeing Logan again. James couldn't believe that they had come this far. He was home and yet it felt nothing like a home, just a place where he sometimes would sleep at, where he would find his lover, where he would go on road again from, too soon.

When he opened the door of the bedroom he found Logan sleeping softly on the bed. The covers were all underneath him, he obviously had been waiting for his arrival and didn't want to fall asleep. Looking at him James' face flowered in a wide smile. He didn't know whether to wake him or not. He decided he would just climb next to him and hold him till the morning, and knew it was going to be perfect. James knew that Logan would love the feeling of waking up besides James more than being woken up by him. Yes, well, Logan hated being woken up by anyone.

But before settling next to Logan, James silently sneaked back to the living room knowing that there should be another cover somewhere. When he got the blanket he lay to Logan's right side and wrapped themselves in the warmth of the cover that smelled just like Logan. Kissing his cheek he whispered "good night, Logie" and putting an arm around him, he fell asleep, and wished he could stay there like that, forever.

* * *

After spending the morning in hot kissing which led to even hotter love making, James and Logan took a shower together and then were making breakfast in the kitchen, both half naked, hair wet from their time in the shower, chatting softly about this and that.

"I could go like this every morning." James said closing his arms around Logan's waist as he turned the eggs so their other sides got some of the heat, too.

"I believe you could." Logan winked tilting his face so he could peck James' lips. "And I believe I know what you favorite part would be."

"Oh? Yes, Doctor Mitchell, you know me too well. But I'm curious if you know me enough." James teased biting Logan's left ear.

"Mmm." Logan moaned blandly. "Your favorite part would be the way I wake you."

"Say it Logan, say it. It doesn't count if you don't say it out loud." James kept pushing him.

The other man blushed already by the thought of saying something like what he had on his mind at the moment.

"So." James loved the rosy shade on Logan's face, so he just for the heck of it decided to make Logan say something dirty. "You're not ashamed of it at all when it comes to doing it or taking whatever I have for you, but you're ashamed of talking about it when it is only the two of us?"

"Ah yeah?" Logan shrugged. "I'm making breakfast for God's sake."

"Nah say it, Logie." James tugged Logan's earlobe and his hands wandered front and south to his groin. Squeezing his hardening cock, James pleaded again, "say it, Logie."

"Oh fuck." Logan pulled the pan off the fire, because _he _was on fire and was very much afraid of burning. "I know your favorite part is forever going to be when the first thing you wake up with is my mout on your cock."

"Of course you chose the moderate version, but good. And you are right." James spun Logan round and kissed him deeply. "I've missed you so much. Everything. The breakfast, your mouth on me when I wake up. But mostly just your presence. I hate when we're far from each other. I hate it."

"I'll always be wherever you are, James. Just think about me, and I'll be there." Logan said placing a kiss onto James' nude chest right above his rapidly beating heart. "In here, I'm always with you."

* * *

Logan had to go to work that day, even though he asked for a day off, an urgent operation needed to be done. So while Logan was in the operating room, James tried to entertain himself in the hospital. He had already known a few people but since it was their workplace he couldn't keep them from their job for a long time, so he just settled in one of the waiting rooms and checked his messages on his phone.

While sitting there and responding to some of the e-mails he had, someone joined him. He looked up seeing a little boy taking a seat opposite to him. "Hey, big man." James greeted him.

"Hi." Adam shyly said and stared at the TV in the corner, but didn't make a sound.

"Would you like to watch the TV?" James asked noticing what the little boy obviously wanted.

He got his answer in a tiny nod.

"Okay. I don't mind." James got onto his feet and turned the TV on, then grabbed the remote and decided to sit next to Adam. "Can I watch it, too?"

A nod again was the only respond. "Okay." James sighed. "Let's see what we've got here. Cartoons, news, action movie?" James hoped this time there would be a real answer to real question. But he only deserved a shrug apparently. "Fine. Cartoon, then. I love them, you know? What is your name by the way? I'm James."

"Adam." After a little silence the little boy said. "I love cartoons, too."

"That's great." James offered his hand for a handshake. He knew in little boys' eyes that was very manly, and Adam may like it. He was right. A smile spread across Adam's face while he shook James' strong and huge hand. "What else you love yet?"

"A lot of things." Adam replied a bit of tight-lipped again.

"Girls?" James raised an eyebrow at Adam.

"No. Ew, no." At that answer James had to laugh.

"Oh, man. You know such less yet. They'll quickly wrap such handsome dude around their fingers though. Be careful with them, okay?"

"Yes, okay." Adam stuck his eyes onto the screen then.

They watched the cartoons together for about a half hour. James laughed where he knew he had to, and tried to make Adam speak some more, but it was a tough task. However, he liked the little man.

But soon their fun was ruined when a nurse came in. "Sorry, Adam, but you know Doctor Mitchell told you to not be out of your room for too long."

"I know. I know." Adam sadly and slowly got up from his seat and gazed at James. "Thanks."

James' eyes grew wide in suprise. "For?"

"For watching it with me. Only Doctor Mitchell would watch cartoons with me. Other than that I'm always alone."

Adam's words clenched James' heart. He knew what it was like to be alone. "Oh boy. I'm sorry for that. I didn't know you know Logan."

"He's my doctor. He is very nice and brings me toys and comes to talk to me when he can."

"That's my Logan. He has a heart of gold." James stood up and spoke to the nurse then. "I'll escort him back to his room." The nurse nodded and walked out. "Come on, Adam. Don't make Logan mad. That's never good." He laughed and Adam surprised him again when he took his hand and smiled at the joke.

* * *

It took another half hour or so for Logan to appear in Adam's room, too. "Hey, guys. I heard you two are suddenly great buddies. Don't you dare leave me out of the fun."

"We wouldn't do that, Logan." Adam spread his arms wide open ready to hug his friend. "I missed you."

"I have missed you, too, little man. I had a lot of work yesterday and then it was too late for a visit. Plus I got a visitor meanwhile, too."

"James?"

"Yes." Logan smiled at his boyfriend. "You know he is the guy I talked about."

"Oh. Yes." Adam remembered Logan telling him how much he loved James. "So you're the man I have to be friends with so then I can live with Logan?"

"What?" James questioningly looked at Logan whose mouth already opened to answer.

"I'll explain it later."

"You better." James warned his boyfriend. Somehow it wasn't something he had expected from a trip to home.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: I'm updating very quickly now to make up for the long break in this story but the next chapter is probably not coming for a couple of days so be patient please.. I'm working on 7 (!) stories at the moment lol **

**thanks to**_LoveSparkle_ **and** _bmwstamps_ **as well for reviewing and to everyone else who has started to follow the fic and favorited it so far :) I love you guys! Apologies for any mistake you may find!**

* * *

**Chapter 5**

* * *

Although he didn't want to, James got very angry at Logan for not telling him about his plans with Adam. And of course as talky a little kid could be, Adam made sure to not miss a detail about how Logan had wanted to bring him home and raise him as his own. Logan tried to but he couldn't stop the flow of words. "Okay, okay boy." He covered his tiny body with the blanket. "Now take some rest. I believe you're getting too excited here." He kissed his forehead. "I'll soon be back, okay?"

"Yes. Please hurry. And bring James, too. He's nice." He whispered. James watched them impatiently tapping his foot against the floor then sighing loudly. Soon Logan parted from Adam and exited the room with James closely following behind him. The taller brunette briefly smiled at the boy in the bed but didn't put too much effort into it. He was way too pissed at Logan to be nice.

"James, this is not what it looks like." Logan started off immediately just after they were on the corridor.

"Oh yeah?" James' eyebrows were almost at his hairline. "So you are saying that you weren't about to adopt a random kid while I was not even at home?"

"No. Of course not." Logan said. "I wanted you to know him first, to talk to you about it. To discuss it. I wasn't making a decision all alone."

"No you weren't. _But_ you have been telling the poor kid things that are not even sure yet. Why would you, Logan do this to him? What if something goes wrong in the process and we can't have him? How would you tell him _that_?"

"So you wouldn't mind raising him with me."

"I didn't say I would, Logan. But firstly, putting him into such imaginations is _not_ right. Secondly even if it was discussed between the two of us you should _not_ ever tell him these things. But once, you already have told him about it, and oh yeah, we have _NOT_ agreed in doing this." The word "not" every time when it left James' mouth came out louder than it was supposed to.

Logan inhaled deeply. "I was so stupid, I know."

James sensed that Logan now realized what was done wrong. He stepped closer to him and closed him in a hug. "You're not stupid. I understand you. You were caught up in the dream of having a child ever since. And now that you have been alone ... I understand I really do... but this is not things supposed to be.. "

"I know, I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry. It's okay." James said releasing him but before that he kissed his forehead. "That boy is really a good kid. It's not that... it's just we couldn't do this right now." Seeing Logan's terribly sad expression, James continued, "though we could give it a try, but only if we see that it would work."

"Nah, you're right. We can't just jump into something like this so suddenly." Logan started to walk towards his office. James went after him. "But he is so lost and alone and I felt sorry for him."

"We'll talk about the opportunities, okay?" James said closing the door behind them.

"Yes, right." Logan sat into his chair at his desk and sighed. "So good to have you here." He closed his eyes resting them, and felt James' hands on his shoulders. He was about to say something to him yet, but then the ring of his phone interrupted him.

Groaning he picked it up. "Mitchell." He said. They wouldn't leave him alone. "I see. Okay. Thanks for letting me know. I'll be right there."

"What is it?" James asked as Logan quickly got onto his feet and made a care-worn expression.

"Adam's uncle is here with his wife. Happens that he's not alone anymore."

Logan's facial expression gave James chest pains. He only had known about Adam for about an hour but it was clear how much this little kid meant to Logan. "See the bright side of it, baby." He took his hand and pulled him into a tight hug. "He'll be okay with his relatives. He's not that lost anymore. He has those people to give everything to him. And ... " He paused bringing Logan's eyes at him, "this way, another child who may need more help than Adam does, is going to get into our way and we will be his or her family. A family that he or her have never dreamed about or never known."

"Oh James." Logan couldn't help but let his tears fall and buried his face in James' chest till he got somewhat calm.

* * *

"This has been a tough day." James literally fell into the bed when they arrived home.

"Tell me about it." Logan was right next to him. "I was in the operating for six hours even though actually I had a day off or something?"

"You know what I tell you?"

"How would I know?" Logan laughed as James fingers tickled the skin behind his ear. "Oh wait. You are telling me something sexual, huh?"

"Nope." James kissed the tip of Logan's nose. "But ... now that you say ... "

"Oh just tell me what you want!" Logan cut his word off patting his firm chest.

"You know, you should open your own clinic. You could work anytime you wanted, you would be your own boss, you could choose who to work with. There are so many advantages."

"Yes." Logan hummed. "And there are so many disadvantages, too. It's a huge responsibility, James. And to be a boss ... ah you have to be born for that. Not everyone can do it. I don't think I could. It's really hard. I like working in the hospital anyways."

"Okay. It was just a suggestion."

Logan knew that this idea was now going to give him something to think about. James was right at some point, but he was far from being able to run a whole clinic. "Maybe someday."

"Someday." James breathed, and then put his lips against' Logan's. "There are a lot of somedays in our lives."

"You meant what you said at the hospital, James?" Logan couldn't help but ask. Ever since James spoke like he wanted a family, too it hadn't left Logan a minute without thinking about it.

"Yes. I did." James answered. He wasn't really the kind of man wishing for a big family, but since he had known Logan he had changed a lot. But this one thing yet had to be put aside for a while, at least James hoped it would be. Even though he now knew that Logan was the one he wanted to live with, and yes he had come to accept that Logan was going to want a real family, James didn't feel like he was ready for it. "But not today. Not tomorrow, and not even the day after, baby."

"I see. I guessed so. You never wanted kids anyways."

"I do want them now." James explained sliding his hand to the back of Logan's head and guiding his gaze back at him. "But this is not the right time. I'm never home, Logan and I don't want a baby to grow up without me. I want to see it taking the first steps, saying the first words and just basically be there at the special moments. You talked me into this job and I'll have to leave tomorrow again, and it's not .. it's really not the time for a kid in our life now."

There was nothing more needed to be said for Logan. "You're putting the blame on me again!" He jumped off the bed and went into the farthest corner of the room. "But you love it, don't you? And after all it's not only you being alone every night, I'm alone too! And yet I'm dealing with it! I am not bringing it up from time to time in the nicest moments just for the heck of it. The fuck, James! Why are you doing this to me?" He lowered to the floor and pulled his knees up to his chest.

"Logan, Logan." James hurried to him and put him into his arms. "I didn't say that to hurt you, for fuck's sake, Logan, I'm just stating facts against adopting a baby now. Logan, you know I'm right. This is why you're doing this."

"I'm not just doing this for fun, James." Logan sobbed pulling away from him and snuggling to the wall instead.

James tried to reach for him again, but Logan kept fighting against it. "All right." He sighed as overwhelming sadness clenched his heart. "I'll leave you alone then. Blame me for this, too tomorrow when you realize that this was our last chance to spend some time together before we wouldn't see each other for another two months or something." With that James got onto his feet and walked downstairs.

Neither of them slept that night. Both just kept turning in their places. Both wanted to apologize from the other one, but neither of them knew anymore how to start it. Logan didn't want to be the fitful, unstable man he was, but he couldn't help it. He hated that he was always cause of the fights, he knew that James was almost always right, and yet he just kept baulking.

On the other hand James was the same hard headed person as well. _But I know I'm right. We are hardly able to keep this relationship going. How on earth does he want to raise a child like this? _He couldn't sleep at all, so he was about to get up and check on Logan when he heard footsteps.

"James." A quiet whisper cut through the silence of the cold living room.

"Yeah?" He asked knowing it couldn't be else but Logan.

"I'm sorry, okay?" And suddenly his boyfriend was across his thighs, then flat on his front holding into him like he wasn't sure if he was going to make it till tomorrow.

"Okay, of course okay." James caressed his head, fingers ran into short hair, a huge weight fell off his heart. "I love you. But please understand me. Please, Logan."

"I do, James. I wouldn't like to not be part of our child's life either. We'll wait till you are working somewhere near again."

As Logan spoke James let the tears fall quietly. _It's not happening anytime soon though. But how do I tell you this now? _"Logan, we should talk about something." James' words aimed deaf ears though. Logan was fast asleep breathing calmly in his arms. "I love you." Kissing his forehead he said before dozing off for a few hours as well.

* * *

The hour of James having to leave again arrived too soon. They barely had time to make love, hold each other for a bit again, get something to eat and say good bye and it was far after sunset. Indeed, Logan regretted starting an argument the night before, but he didn't bring it up to avoid another one.

"I'll take you to the airport." He said ironing James' shirt with his hand as they were standing at the front door, James ready to leave.

"Nah. The cab is already here."

"When did you call it?"

"When you were putting cookies into my back pack." James grinned.

Logan shrugged. "You know you love them so shut up." Then he lifted himself to his tiptoes to kiss the corner of his mouth. "I feel like we forgot something."

"I don't think so." His fingers slid against Logan's cheekbone. "You just wish we'd have forgotten something so I'd stay."

"Like you don't want to stay."

"True."The taller brunette leant down to steal a kiss. "But Logan, this is what we have to do now."

"I know. We'll make it through." Logan whispered. "Please, just let me go with you to the airport."

"It's late. By the time my plane takes off you'll be half asleep. I'm not letting you drive such long way like that."

"I just want to spend every possible minute with you." Logan started to cry again. "Please."

"All right."

After telling the cab driver that they wouldn't need him, they brought James' suitcase into Logan's car.

Compared to a usual night the roads were way too crowded. But Logan didn't mind driving. He was with James, he had to be with him. He didn't tell it to James, but he had such a bad feeling again, he didn't want to leave James alone for a second, not until he had a chance to keep an eye on him.

Stopping at a red light they quickly shared a wet kiss. "I love you." Logan told him half smiling.

"I love you, too." The reply came in an instant. "Soon green." He pointed at the light.

Logan put the car into gear again. They almost drove through the crossroads when a sharp light with inconceivable speed seemed to approach them from Logan's side.

The last thing Logan had time to do before they crashed was turning to James and catching a glimpse of the most beautiful person alive.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: all of you for the love is very awesome :) thanks a lot guys! I hope you continue enjoying this story. if so please review and spread the word, tell friends and enemies, everyone you know hehe**

**thanks for the reviews for **_LoveSparkle, Faith777, bmwstamps, WOWcow, _**you're all awesome along with everyone who favorites and follows this fiction :) thanks really! It means so so much! Please meanwhile waiting for this to be updated, read my other stories too, please? I love you all! Update soon :) **

* * *

**Chapter 6**

* * *

Logan stood next to James' bed.

Something, something that he had never known before, overmastered his whole being. It was so strange, but he didn't pay attention at it. He himself felt weak, tired, empty and cold. But he didn't have time to care about himself.

He had James to worry about. The sight of him frightened Logan. He looked just like he was sleeping. It reminded Logan of the times when they had made love and the following morning he always woke up earlier than him, so he had just watched his boyfriend still lost in dreamland.

Those times Logan would smile, because seeing his peacefully sleeping lover was a heartwarming feeling. But now it was nothing like that.

This time Logan only had knowledge of bitter sadness. A feeling that cuts through your every bone and your heart is consisting of a million broken pieces. Every little one of that million twinges you, it is aching, everything in you is aching and you can't find a way to make this pain stop. It is so easy to break a heart, it is so much harder to fix it. The only way for Logan to get there was James waking up and being all right.

If James wasn't going to wake up, Logan knew he didn't have a chance to survive either.

He could not live without James. He was his other half which without he was no one. Never in his life he had wanted to be without him, and never in his life he could.

Logan had no idea what day it was, how much time had passed since the accident. Every memory of his was covered by a thick fog which he couldn't see through. He had no idea about a thing, but that that James was in front of him unconscious.

Something like what seemed like relief ran through Logan. When that car crashed into them Logan thought that was the last time he could see James. But thankfully it wasn't. James was right there, for only an arm length of distance, yet he looked like he was so far.

He knew that James might have never been that far from him. His job could have taken him to the other side of the country and yet Logan hadn't experienced such deep emptiness like the one that took over him at that moment as he had to see James so lifeless.

He just stared down at his boyfriend. He looked so calm, so peaceful, so beautiful. Logan needed to take a look at the monitors that watched his functions to be sure that James was breathing and his heart was actually beating. He didn't make a move. He didn't open his eyes. He just lay there.

But at least he was alive.

There was not a bruise on his face. James looked beautiful as ever. _You'd be very happy about it. _Logan smiled weakly but he wanted to cry. But tears wouldn't flow. He wanted to shout but a sound didn't come. He wanted to touch him, but he didn't dare to. He was too afraid of breaking him. He knew it was unreal, but he was scared if he touched him he'd disappear and would never come back.

So he just kept looking. Looking at James would always give Logan some kind of comfort. But could anything comfort him now? Looking at a half dead body could not, for sure. But then Logan couldn't take his eyes off of him. Being scared of losing him when he'd cease watching him, stopped Logan from doing that.

_Wake up. _He whispered unable to speak louder, he didn't hear his own voice. _Wake up. _He tried again, it didn't matter if it felt pointless. _James, I need you._ But there was not an answer.

There only were the rhythmic beeps of the machines.

_Thank God they actually give me some kind of reply._

Till those beeps were alive Logan knew that James was there, too. Somewhere deep in this dead-looking body but he was there. He had to be. _He wouldn't leave me. He said he won't leave me. _Logan thought. _You said we'll be together forever. You promised you wouldn't leave me even if we are not together we are unbreakable. Don't leave me now. Don't dare, James. Please._

Logan suddenly got very tired. Thinking was hard, speaking was even harder, he needed to close his eyes. He needed it. _Just for a moment. _But that little movement itself seemed to take forever to make. He didn't see James for too long. _What if I can't see you ever again. I need to see you. _He wanted to be in front of James again, but somehow it didn't work. _James, where are you?_ He asked desperate from the fear of losing him forever. He tried to peek from behind his eyelashes, but when he wished to look at the world again, he noticed that it wasn't easier either to open the tired windows of his soul, than it was to close them.

But where was his soul at that moment?

Not inside of him, Logan had the feeling.

It was far gone with James', wherever they were Logan prayed they would come back.

He was empty without James. He was exhausted. He was nothing.

Just a body without a soul, because its soulmate was nowhere to be seen.

Logan tried, tried so hard to remember what he had done the past minutes, hours, days.

Nothing was what he could recall.

_How did I get here? Where was I an hour ago?_ He asked himself glancing at the unmoving James wanting to find a coherent reason of the situation.

He knew every time someone walked in to James' room he wanted to ask them what day it was, but he never could bring himself to actually do it. Something would always hold him back, something kept him still just like James was. Some strange power that didn't let him go, make a move, speak. Didn't matter how much he wanted to know what was going on, he was too weak to figure it out.

After all he realized he didn't even need to know anything.

He only needed to know that James was alive.

And he could see that with his own eyes.

With eyes that couldn't let a tear fall.

_But why? _

_Why can't I cry? Why can't I cry for him?_

He believed he didn't cry because he had no reason to. James was alive. You don't have to cry over someone who still have chance to wake up.

_Bullshit. Logan, cry. The sound of your pain may wake him._

Nothing happened.

Logan closed his eyes, the ones that felt heavier to shut every time he tried. But he was blind to the world again. For how long? He didn't recognize time. Was he hungry? He didn't feel need to eat. Did he ever sleep? He could not.

Once when he was at his senses again he walked around in the hospital. It was tough to leave James' side, but he missed the feel of the sun, the presence of people, the smell of fresh air. The same power that had kept him next to James earlier, now dragged him out of his room. He didn't want to go, but he had to.

He moved, it felt like he was flying.

People were all around him.

He saw them.

He felt so alone though.

Nobody ever glanced at him or was willing to show some sympathy for what happened to James.

Was he in some dream world? He thought. _I'm only dreaming and that accident didn't even happen? _

Nobody answered.

How could have they answered to an unspoken question? _It is all happening in my mind. It's not reality._

He kept going wherever he was driven to go to.

He was there wandering about, but James was lying in a bed, totally out of the world, totally dead to everything, _to_ _me. _

How on earth was he going to live without him? How will Logan make it through with the thought that James was alive but he couldn't wake him?

There was no way he could.

He already felt dead himself. _It is impossible to keep this going for a long time._ But nothing was he could do.**  
**

A sharp pain then cut through his thoughts about future. He gasped for air, he fought, something was pulling him towards the unknown. Images of James and his parents, people he had ever known, places he had ever been to, appeared in front of him. Actually this was the first time that he felt something since he first laid eyes on James in the bed after their accident. He didn't know whether to be grateful for these feelings and memories or to curse them. The sharp pain would again hit him right across his chest penetrating his whole body, irritating his every cell.

Then suddenly it was gone.

He felt peaceful again. It was like he fell asleep after a bad dream and found calmness in sweet sleep.

But he was awake. He wasn't dreaming. He didn't know where the pain just a minute ago had come from. He was confused, so confused he couldn't help but closed his eyes again. He needed some rest.

When he found himself next to James again, Logan put his hand onto his. He caressed it, but felt nothing. He had to look at the monitors to see if he was yet alive at all.

Apparently he was.

Logan now again was confused. _So much confusion. What's going on? _He wanted to scream and run.

But he wouldn't let go from James' hand. That strange something restrained him to James now. _James, please, James. _He tried to address him again and again. Newly he did not know if he sat there for hours or days, but he kept asking him to wake up. _James. _He would whisper leaning close to his ear. _James._

And then suddenly Logan noticed a little wince. It was James. Logan was certain.

James moved.

James groaned and James lifted his other hand to his head. The one that Logan held in his hand stayed on the bed next to his body.

A nurse rushed into the room just then. Logan asked her to check his functions. She did. Logan told her to call the doctors. She did. Logan spoke to James. _James, darling say something._

"Logan." He quaked. His voice was just as tired as it would be any time someone wakes up from such accident.

Logan asked James to open his eyes. Meanwhile another nurse and Dr. Robertson, one of the best specialists in the hospital came in, too. Logan knew him well. But he didn't want to talk to him, he wanted James to talk now.

James opened his eyes just as Logan asked.

_James look at me. _He begged. He saw him turning to the direction of his quiet voice, but his face didn't look like he actually saw him. _James._ Logan tried again caressing his hand, too.

The doctor and nurses checked his every function and kept asking questions but James only focused on Logan's voice. He didn't hear anyone else. He only wanted to hear Logan, and to see him.

He heard him crystal clearly. But he didn't see.

"Logan!" He almost shouted gathering every power he had. "Logan .. " His voice cracked when James didn't see a thing. It didn't matter where he would turn to, it was all black. "Logan ... " He sobbed.

"Mr Diamond." A strange voice called him. "Look at me." It said. With him Logan repeated himself, too. _James, I'm here. Right here. _But nothing happened. Logan knew he heard his voice, but didn't he feel his touch, didn't he see him? _Confused. Confused. The fuck. _

James was not any less confused than Logan. "I can't. I can't." James cried. He didn't see, he felt the tears streaming down on his face, he felt the needle pushing into his vein. But he just cried, cried along as he was unable to see his beloved Logan.

Meanwhile James fell asleep again, Logan wanted to cry, too. James didn't see him. _But he is alive. _Tears never came to him though. _B__ut what's happening to me? _He noticed that Doctor Robertson and the nurses were leaving the room. He went closely behind them. He talked to them. He asked what was happening but they were acting like he was invisible. _Dave!_ Logan shouted after his friend, but he didn't hear him.

It couldn't be reality. No one heard or saw him. No one. _James did. _But no one else. He followed his doctor friend though. They reached a room. It was one of their best rooms for special patients. Logan wondered who could be in there.

As the door opened and Doctor Robertson moved out of the way, Logan could see who it was.

It was him.

Logan's lifeless body linked with even more machines than he had seen James with.

_It's not possible. It's not._ Closing eyes again he got lost in the darkness where time was not known, he was alone, all alone.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: I successfully confused most of you guys so I'm updating sooner than I wanted to.. I planned to give you a bit of rest since I have not written a word to Chapter 8 yet.. but I post this so I hope now it will be clearer what is happening actually.. **

**thanks **_LoveSparkle, bmwstamps, _**and** _Faith777 _**for reviewing and for all the few people who tweeted me telling me they are excited about the story :) i love you! also thanks for all the favorites and follows :) **

**I promise you guys if there is any confusion left yet it'll be soon clear just be patient and don't ask me what's going to happen because I can't tell lol enjoy reading and forgive me for any mistakes you may find!**

* * *

**Chapter 7**

* * *

James woke to the smell of food. His whole body ached, he didn't know why. It wasn't till he opened his eyes that he remembered what happened.

He remembered because the world was black in front of him.

_So it wasn't a dream. _A drop of tear fell down on his cheek, then followed another and another one.

The worst feeling of all was that he didn't know what happened to Logan. He had a blurry memory about him talking to him, asking him to wake up, to open his eyes, to look at him. But James couldn't see him, and since then he had never heard his voice.

Knowing that he must have been at the hospital he searched for the nurse caller while he sobbed in his loneliness. By the time he finally found it he heard the door opening. "Who's it?" With his head he turned to the direction of the noise but in front of his eyes was nothing but emptiness.

"Mr Diamond." A man spoke. It was familiar but James didn't know who it belonged to. "I'm your treater, Dave Robertson. Tell me please, do you remember what happened?"

"Where is Logan? What happened to him?" James asked about his boyfriend using the opportunity. "Please tell me what happened to him." He begged. His eyes were open but it didn't matter how hard he tried he could not make out any shape or a light out of the darkness.

"Wouldn't you like to know first what's happening to you?" The doctor asked.

"It doesn't matter. I want Logan. If he's here I'll be just fine. I want to know if he's okay." He demanded Logan, unable to believe that he was sitting there in a bed tied because of his blindness and not a soul was willing to tell him a thing about Logan.

"Okay. We didn't want to tell it yet, because it may hold off your recovery."

"My recovery is unimportant if something has happened to Logan. I can't live without him. I need to know if he's all right." James cried burying his blind eyes in his palms.

"Please, James. Try to calm down or I'll have to give you medicines again." The doctor told him. James felt his hand on his shoulder. When James breathed normally again Dave released him. "That's better." Dave had to take a long breath himself. Yes he was a doctor and he had to give similar reports to lots of people day by day, but he had known Logan ever since college, and it was hard for him, too. "Unfortunately Logan couldn't make it without serious injuries, like you." James eyes burst out in tears yet again, but he didn't make a move or a sound. He needed to hear every word. "Just like you, James, Logan, too has a swelling in his brain. It was caused by the crash. You remember, right?"

"Yes." James whispered.

Dave continued. "In your case it seems to be temporary." He used the time to explain him the reason of his blindness, too while informing him about Logan. "It is pressing your optic nerves. This is why you can't see now. But it should be fine in a few days. It has already lost from its size since the first tests that we made when you guys were brought here."

Impatience started to grow in James. "And Logan?" He nervously asked.

"Logan's swelling is located at a much worse place. It is bigger, and we can't operate him, because there's a big risk that he wouldn't make it."

"No." James was now a shaking, crying mess. "I heard him the other day or ... I don't know when .. when .. when I woke up first ... when was that?"

"It was today morning. About seven hours ago."

"I heard him. He was here. He stood here next to my bed. Told me to ... to wake up and look at him."

"James." Doctor Robertson alerted the nurse meanwhile trying to avoid James getting an attack again. "that's impossible. He couldn't be here. He is here at the intensive care, just a few rooms behind."

"I heard him." James quaked. The nurse already appeared and he felt his heartbeat slowing down, everything got easier, his thoughts were almost as blank as his eyes, but he kept whispering. "He was here." He said one last time before dozing off once again.

The doctor wrote down to the charts that James got another dose of sedative, meanwhile the nurse made sure that he was lying comfortably. After that they left him alone. "Rosa. Please." Dave told to the nurse. "Watch him very well. If he's awake call me."

"Does he know about Logan?" She asked.

"I tried to tell him. But he kept saying that Logan was there with him in the morning when he woke up."

"That's impossible. We had to revivify him shortly before James opened his eyes."

"I know. I know. This is why we have to watch him very well. Do you understand me, Rosa? I'll see if we can keep him in anesthesia till his swelling disappears. If he continues causing himself such attacks it will keep him back from healing."

"Yes, I understand Doctor." The nurse said. "Would you like to take a look at Logan before going home?"

"Yes. I would. Poor him. I wish we could wake him." Dave sighed heading to Logan's room.

But in vain was everything they had tried so far. The results showed that Logan was in deep coma, the operation in turn could even kill him. Insomuch as Logan did not have any relatives, it could have only been James who had right to make a decision about Logan's life.

Everyone hoped that James would soon get his senses back and could make this hard decision.

* * *

_Whatever it takes I need to get back to James. _Logan didn't know where he was, how he could find his beloved James. He only felt that heavy power again that held him back from doing a thing.

Then he remembered. _I can't even do a thing. I am a fucking ghost. or whatsoever._

He forced his _brain _to think again. He opened his _eyes _to see. He was in the hospital. He sat right next to his own body. Looked at it, spent who knows how much time with trying to get back into that half dead body. But nothing worked. Now he knew it. But it took too much time to remember. _Something has seriously went wrong in my brain. __  
_

Realizing that he was unable to get back into life again, he just wanted to see James, to know if he was all right. Not knowing what day it was or what hour, he suddenly appeared in James' room. Was it just a minute for him to get there? Was it a whole day? Logan had no idea, but he was happy to see that James was still alive. _How can you be happy? You don't know if he is okay. _He knew that the charts must have been there at the end of James' bed so he walked there. Walking felt ever so easy like it had never been, he even enjoyed it. Kneeling down he read the words.

_Oh gosh. _As a doctor himself, he perfectly understood everything. With that he checked the date, too. The notes told him that the accident had happened only three days before. _That's good. Even I have a chance to wake up. _He thought and then remembered that he hadn't taken a look at his own chart yet. _Stupid brain. _

Giving a last look at James and whispering _I love you _to him, Logan hoped he could quickly travel back to his room and then again somehow appear next to James. _It may be the easiest if I just walk. _He thought smartly. As he stared at his boyfriend he remembered the previous times when he closed his eyes he had just gotten lost in that dark place and it seemed to take forever to get anywhere from there. _Just go by walk everywhere. _He hoped the little reminder was going to stick around in his sponge-like brain.

Seeing the results would have kicked him off his legs if he had had actual legs. He wasn't even sad for himself. He was upset because of James. He knew that James was soon going to be recovered, but he won't. _It's going to hurt you so much. _Logan wanted to cry, to curl up in the corner and sob a whole night long, but he couldn't. So he just closed his eyes and let the dark hug him.

* * *

The next time when James felt sunshine drifting through the curtains and warming his skin, he immediately knew where he was, what had happened. He didn't even want to open his eyes, knowing he wouldn't see a thing anyways made it all so pointless.

"Oh Logan." He sighed. He missed him so very much. He couldn't feel his touch, didn't hear his laugh, didn't see his face. Logan was somewhere else. "How do I get there where you are now, Logan, how?" He spoke to no one. "Logan. If I only knew how to get to your room. I could hold your hand."

James hadn't cried so much in his entire life. He always had known that without Logan his life would be nothing, but he had never really realized it, till the moment when he had to face the fact that he might lose him forever.

When James first called his name Logan suddenly turned up at his room. He watched him desperately calling his name, talking to him like he was there. But Logan didn't dare tell him that he actually was there. He didn't want to scare him. James needed to recover first. And then maybe, he could try getting in contact with him.

But then Logan recalled how he had always told to every one of his patient's relatives to let go of those who cannot be put back into life. It was easier for them to accept the fact that they may never wake up. _What if I will be a just like some plant, living and breathing and yet unable to move to be at my senses? He will just need to move on, for the better._

But could Logan ever move on?

Was he going to ever accept the fact that he may not kiss James again, or tell him that he loved him?

_We always tell people to let go of the dead ones. I've never thought that the dead ones need to move on, too, and let the living people go on with their lives._

_But I am not dead yet.  
_

He had no idea what to do. He just wished everything would be the same like before the accident. But nothing ever will be the same. Even with his half dead brain he could figure that out.

Making it quietly to James' bed he was hesitating. _You give up, or you keep believing that things still can be fixed. You give up like James would never give up. You know, even if you want to move on, that he won't move on from you. He'll fight for you till his heart beats its last. _He put his hand onto James'. When he did so, James moved. "Logan." He felt him, Logan knew it, but he didn't make a sound. _Wait. I gotta wait. I don't want to confuse you. _Knowing that James earlier heard him, Logan so wanted to talk to him, but he didn't dare. _I'd just scare you baby. _Logan thought, his touch never leaving James.

Logan kept caressing James' hand till he fell asleep again. Obviously his presence calmed him. James looked peaceful when he lay back on the bed and was about to doze off. It was nothing like when he had called him after his awakening. Then he was scared, and felt lonely, it was written to his face. But when his soul rested to sleep with Logan being there, it was like he knew that he wasn't alone and that he didn't need to be scared. _I love you, James. _He couldn't help but whisper when he already was sure that he was sleeping. And he hoped that James would get his eyesight back very soon, or the wait will make Logan crazy. He hoped that James would see him, like he had heard him, too. Nobody else every noticed that he was there. His spirit was an invisible breeze for anyone else, but it might have been visible for James. _If you only kept believing. _

He promised himself he wouldn't leave James' side anymore. _I'll stay, to make you believe, to keep you hoping. And to keep myself hoping._


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: please review if you like it and tell your friends. Thanks for the reviews that came to the last chapter. I love you. Hope you enjoy. **

**p. s. I don't want this story to last forever.. I wish to finish it soon, because I have other ideas for new fictions, too.. and summer is so short I'm afraid I won't have time to do all that I want.. so update is coming soon. Read my other fics too please**

* * *

**Chapter 8**

* * *

James didn't have knowledge of whether Logan was there or not, but he knew something was different at times. Sometimes he'd be calm, and loneliness wouldn't fall onto him. But other times he could have cried all day not knowing what was going on around him.

As the nurses told him, two days had gone by since they informed him about Logan's condition. Whenever someone would enter his room, James would get scared if they come to tell him that Logan was gone forever. But luckily that had not happened yet. All the people who had been around James knew that they had to be updated about Logan's status before paying a visit at him. James would always welcome everyone with questions about his boyfriend, but everyone got used to it. In fact, they admired him for loving Logan so much, for worrying and caring about him more than he ever cared about himself. But at the same time they felt sorry for him, too. They didn't like seeing his disappointed face when they needed to tell him that there wasn't any change with Logan. Neither positive, nor negative change.

Though he was pretending to be asleep and was wondering about how to get to Logan soon, James heard the door of his room opening. He heard as someone sat beside his bed and sighed heavily. _Who it may be?_ Then he quickly figured it. Kendall's delicious smell caught his senses.

Wondering if he should open his eyes or not, James stayed still on his side, knew that Kendall was facing him. "Oh buddy." His voice was a low whisper. James felt like it had been forever since he heard it.

It was early morning and the doctors had not come yet for the usual morning visit. Already two days it had been that they kept examining his eyes, but he was tired of them. _What if they are wrong and I'll never see a thing again? _While Kendall quietly spoke to him, James kept thinking. _No. James. You gotta believe. _He tried his best to think positively. Logan would want that, and only that.

"Kendall." James groaned.

His friend moved closer to him, James noticed it. He put his hand onto his arm. "James. I didn't want to wake you."

"It's okay. I wasn't sleeping." Not opening his eyes James said.

"How are you feeling?"

Lifting his left hand to his face, James said, "worried."

"You'll be okay." Kendall said, even though he knew that James' concern was because of Logan's uncertain future.

"You think so?" A deep and apparently painful groan left James' throat. He knew he wouldn't be okay at all, even if his eyes healed, unless Logan was awake and conscious to the world, too.

"Yeah." Kendall knew what the doctors said. "I talked to your doctors. After a long persuasion they finally gave in and told me how you guys are doing."

"And how's Logan?" As ever, James used every opportunity to know something new about him.

"Still in coma." Kendall sighed holding back from crying. "I'm sorry, James. I'm sorry."

A single tear escaped James' eye.

Silent came to them.

"I don't know what I'll do." With a sob James managed to say after several minutes passed without a word spoken.

"I'll help you in everything." Kendall squeezed his hand. "But they believe your eyesight will be back now shortly. James, you need to stop stressing over what happened, or what will happen, or it will push you back in recovery. It already is keeping you back. You understand me?"

"Yeah." James breathed, rubbing his eyes softly. "But it's not as easy as you think."

"I know." From Kendall's voice James knew that he was upset, too. "But it's for the best. Just think about it. Don't you want to be healthy by the time Logan wakes up? You know he'd want you to focus on yourself first."

His heart in his chest tightened at the mention of Logan. And because he knew that Kendall was right. "I don't know how to do it, Kendall."

"For a start open your eyes, and try. Believe it James."

James pulled his hand slowly away from his eyes. "Just because I believe that Logan would want the same." Starting to open them he knew it wasn't going to lead anywhere. "Nothing. I can't see you."

"All right." Kendall caressed his head. "Close them again." James did so. "Focus on Logan. Imagine his face. Do you see him?"

"I do. All the time. Even with these blind eyes."

"That's great." Assuring him that he was doing fine, Kendall held James' hand strongly. "What is Logan doing?"

"Tells me to open my eyes. To look at him." James answered.

From what he had learned from his doctor earlier, Kendall knew that James should see by this time. Dr Robertson guessed James couldn't see because he didn't want to. He had been holding back because of Logan, because of the guilt and whatever else was going through his mind. "Then do it, James. Open your eyes like you want to search for him. You'll be able to go to him, to tell him that you love him and hold his hand. James, please want to see him, want it with everything you have."

Gathering all the nice memories and using them as power to open his eyes, James tried once again. He calmed down, his breathing was back to normal, his heart filled with warmth and love thinking about his beloved boyfriend. Even though he could have cried because of the overwhelming emotions, he forced himself not to.

Deep hazel eyes flew open in front of Kendall once again. He looked into them so deeply that he saw his own reflection, but he had no idea if James could see at all.

_Come on James. _

It was just a low whisper but James was certain it came from Logan.

"You're here." James sobbed.

"I'm here." Kendall squeezed his hand not knowing that James thought about Logan.

_I am here, always. _

James needed to glance around the whole room.

But Logan wasn't there.

The world came to life in front of him, but Logan did not.

James started sobbing harder. As Kendall didn't know what James had just experienced, he guessed it was because he didn't see anything. "It's all right. You'll try later." Pulling him into a hug Kendall said trying to comfort his friend.

"No. No." James mumbled.

"You have to. Logan would want this."

"No. No. You don't understand." James pulled away.

Kendall had no idea what to do or say. "I see. I see everything." Wiping the tears from his eyes, James said. "But Logan.. Logan ... "

He had refused to believe to the doctor when he earlier said that James was hallucinating about Logan, but Kendall now kind of did. Not being able to do anything else, he had an insane idea. "Come on. Get up, James. I'll take you to him."

"What?" Turning to Kendall James' eyes grew wide.

"I can't bear looking at you like this. James, you're a living mess. And I understand it. And i know what you need. You have to see him."

Not question a thing James started to move out of the bed. It was all he wanted to do ever since he had knowledge of what happened.

"This way." Kendall gave him his shoulders to lean on as they made it out of the room and down the corridor. Eyes glued to them and obviously they alerted the doctor, but Kendall didn't care. He was determined about taking James to Logan.

There wasn't a word spoken till they reached the room. James tried to prepare himself to seeing his boyfriend in a bed, unconscious to the world, and to him. While Kendall kept hoping he could hold James together once it would hit him that this nightmare-like-thing was seriously on.

Kendall half holding James, half stepping aside, pulled a chair closer to Logan's bed.

James was shaking. Kendall was afraid of him passing out, but other than the shaking and the dangerously pale skin he showed, he looked calm. "Are you okay?" James nodded, his eyes not leaving Logan's face.

His lips trembled as he wanted to talk. Words wouldn't come, but one sob after another one. "Sssh." Kendall stood above him and closed him into his arms.

Doctor Robertson stormed into the room, but by that time James was breathing rhythmically again. "This was a very stupid idea." He said giving a look to Kendall.

"No. This was the best fucking idea ever. I need to be here. I need to see him. I want to wake him the way he woke me." James managed to say.

"Your eyesight is back?" The doctor lowered to his knees and examined James' eyes. "Feeling okay?"

"Would you be okay seeing the love of your life like this?"

"His mouth is back to normal. That's good." Kendall murmured.

"All right." Dave stood again. "I'll let you stay here for a while, but not all day. It won't do good to you. I'll be back soon." With that he exited the room and left Kendall and James alone with Logan, and all the machines that kept him alive.

Crawling to Logan, James said "I can't believe this." He lifted his hand and kissed it. "Logan, oh Logan. My Logan."

Kendall couldn't help but let his tears flow as well. His hand rested on James' shoulder. "He's doing good, James."

"Could be better."

"But at least now you can see that he is here. In good hands."

"Yeah." _I know what I heard. It was you, Logan. I heard you. _"Would you leave me alone with him, for a few minutes?"

"Sure." Kendall nodded and walked out.

"Logan. Don't do this to me. I need you." James started speaking instantly when they were alone. "Logan, please. I can't go any more days without you."

_You can James, you can. _

"I hear you!" James cried. "I fucking hear you! Logan, I don't know how this is possible but I'm not insane!"

_Then don't act like you are. Or you'll be shoved into a room where you'll be alone for the rest of your life._

_"_Smartass." James murmured. Squeezing Logan's hand James asked, "do you feel this?"

_No. _The reply from who knows where, came.

"And how about this?" He then kissed Logan's cheek.

_Nothing._ Just as he heard that simple word, James felt a touch on his shoulder. Peeking a look behind James was afraid what he'd see. He saw nothing though. _But you apparently feel me._

"I do."

_I'm sorry._

"What for?" It was so strange. He was talking to something that he couldn't see, but he didn't care. James knew better, he wasn't insane.

_Not being able to wake up. I tried. I tried so many times._

"It's okay." Not knowing where to speak, James stared at Logan's body. "I love you. And I'll keep believing in you. But no one believes me when I tell them I hear you."

_No one else hears me, only you. _

"I figured. That's why lately I don't talk about it."

_I haven't been around, only when you were sleeping._

"When I pretended to be asleep." James coughed.

_Cheat._

"You love me though."

_I do. But if I won't wake up. You'll need to let me go. I'll go._

"No. Logan, don't go. Don't leave me. You promised you wouldn't leave, ever."

_I know. _It wasn't till then that Logan dared show up. Sensing the change, James glanced up and saw Logan.. or something that seemed to be Logan, standing at the other side of the bed. _I'm not leaving for a while yet. I'll prepare you first._

"Logan!" Trying to reach him James lifted his free hand toward the limpid shape of his boyfriend, but he couldn't make contact.

_I'm just a ghost. Or something like that._

"Why do I see you?"

_I don't know. But I'm glad you do. I told you I won't leave._

"Oh Logan. This is so confusing. What should I do?" Just as he threw the question the door opened and Doctor Robertson came in along with Kendall. James watched Logan's spirit for an answer. _Just believe in wonders. _He said before disappearing.

_Wonders. _James leaned forward to place a kiss onto Logan's forehead. It was a miracle itself that he was able to hear and see Logan, so James knew, believing some more wouldn't hurt. "He'll be fine. I know it. I believe it." Before he was led out of the room he said to Kendall and to the doctor and whispered, _you'll be fine, _to Logan.


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: oh surprise! quick update. things get fast from here.. I'll try to make them get faster lol enjoy & review & tell your friends :) **

* * *

**Chapter 9**

* * *

Unable to let Logan go just like this, without giving him a chance, James didn't agree to the risky operation that the doctors insisted. Rather than that he hoped Logan would heal and soon wake up.

The first step he needed to take in to their house was the hardest from the many that he had to take that day. It was easier to step out of the hospital even.

James felt Logan's presence, but his actual body was now so far from him. He couldn't imagine doing a thing at his house without him being there, too.

Giving up all the work he had that day, Kendall was willing to spend some hours with his friend, to see how he was doing, or better to discuss if he was going to go back to work.

However, James remained quiet, and apparently calm. Considering the situation, Kendall didn't know what had come to him. Mainly because before they had left the hospital, James had acted weird. He had caught him talking in himself, and even he seemed to pissed at someone. His behavior reminded Kendall to those times when he'd have an argument with Logan. But what argument could James have now, and who with? _Probably with himself. _Kendall thought, understanding that it must have been hard for him to decide about Logan.

"Okay, uhm, James." Kendall addressed his friend as they sat on the couch staring at nothing. "I was wondering, if you sure you are all right?"

"Yes. It's just pretty weird." James sighed looking around the living room. "You know, without Logan being here."

"He's not dead though."

"I know, I know. Thank God."

Shifting in his seat and not really being sure about how to throw up the topic of work in front of James, Kendall drew in a long breath. "Okay, look. I need to ask something, and I totally understand if you don't feel ready to ... "

"I'm going back to work. I'll be ready to go tomorrow morning." James said surprising Kendall.

Putting a hand onto his shoulder and about to make James look at him, Kendall asked, "woah, but what about ... ?"

James again cut Kendall's word, "Logan is fine. I know he is. And I know he'd want me to work. I can't just sit here and wait for him to wake up. He'd tell me to continue where we left off."

"If you're certain, then fine. I'll get you the tickets. You need help in packing?"

"No. I'll do it myself." Finally James glanced at Kendall and showed a little smile. "Thanks though. For all the things."

"I didn't do anything." Kendall moved onto the coffee table that sat across James. "Listen, call me anytime you need something, okay?" He knew that James was just as alone in the world as Logan had been for a while now.

"Yes, of course. Go now. You sure have a lot of things to do."

Once they said short good byes, Kendall left the house.

"Logan." James called his boyfriend. "Logan please. You're sure this is right this way?"

_Yes it is. _He appeared in front of the TV. James stood up feeling the urge to walk up to him and hug him.

"All right then. I'll do it. But it's hard leaving you."

_You're not leaving me. I'll be there anytime you want me to. As long as I am able to go there, and even after that. _

"I just wish you would feel my touch again. I want to touch you so bad. I hate not knowing if you're ever going to come back to life."

_Believe me, I don't want anything else more. Maybe one thing. You being happy. Even if it will be without me._

"Let's don't start this again. You're still not under the ground and even if ... no, I'm not saying that! I'll always love you. End of story. I need to pack for tomorrow." He headed up the stairs to see if there was some clothes that he could bring with himself.

When he reached their room, Logan's spirit was already there, he sat on the edge of the bed.

_Don't you feel a bit weird about this whole thing?_

"No. I'm glad I can see and talk to you. I don't care why or how this is happening. I'm glad I haven't lost you." James answered, and indeed he hadn't weirded-out once since he had noticed that he had this connection with his boyfriend. Though he knew well that others wouldn't understand him, so he was dead serious about keeping this thing a secret.

_Okay._

At Logan's short remark James frowned while he threw a few shirts into his suitcase. "What was that 'okay'?"

_Nothing. _Shaking his head Logan said.

James took a step backwards from the Logan he saw. "I'm not insane."

_Nobody said you_ are.

"But you're questioning me if I am feeling all right!"

_James, calm the fuck down. I'm just worried about you!_

"Well, quit worrying about me! Worry about yourself! How you dare leaving me here like this?!"

_I'll be coming back once you chill your ass. You know I'm not doing this on purpose. But guess what? I have been trying to stick around even if it's sometimes so fucking hard, you know? Yes it takes effort for me, too to be here with you and I do this all because I don't want you to give up on me. But I think it may just be the best if I leave you alone, for real and let you think about us. There's not a lot of chance for me to wake up anyways. It's for the better if I let you prepare for the worst. I love you._

"NO! Logan, wait!" James shouted and somehow hoping he could hold him back from leaving, he ran to the spot where Logan sat. But he was late. He fell onto the bed and Logan was gone. "FUCK!" Hitting his fists against the mattress, he cursed.

* * *

It took about a week for James to understand why Logan hadn't showed up in a while. He knew that Logan wanted him to be ready for anything that may happen, and it wouldn't work otherwise than really not being in contact with him. _it's too weird anyways. This ghost thing._

In the middle of a photoshoot he was while he thought this through. This was going on every day. It was very hard for him to not think about Logan, but he knew it was natural.

When James could turn his mind off it was mostly when he got to spend some time with Kendall. They would go for breakfast, lunch and even dinner together, as they would stay at the same hotel, it wasn't hard at all. This way Kendall could assure that James wasn't alone beating himself up because of the accident.

He had been wondering though how James could stay so calm. It appeared like James was already acting like Logan was not even part of this life anymore. _That's stupid. He loves him so much._ Getting ready for dinner, with James again, Kendall's mind was wrapped around similar thoughts. In fact, even if Kendall had a little crush on James, he hoped that James wouldn't give up on Logan._  
_

Wearing the fakest smile ever, James stepped out of his suit and started for the restaurant.

They ate in silence till Kendall had enough and began speaking. "You were awesome today." There was still much left from his main course even though James had already cleared his plate. From the few months he had known James, Kendall had time to learn that he had a good appetite. Apparently it wouldn't change, no matter what.

"Yeah. Thanks." James murmured sipping some wine.

Kendall wiped his mouth with the napkin. "You know, I admire you for ... you know being so strong."

"What do you mean?" James raised his eyebrow.

"With all the happenings lately, I mean."

"Oh." Of course Kendall had to remind him. James shifted in his seat. "I don't want to talk about that."

"But you never do. James, you're just working twentyfour-seven, and yes me make some small talk, but nothing about that.. I'm beginning to think that you have given up, so soon."

"Well, stop thinking that. I'd never give up on Logan. But as we always say, and as I know Logan would say, I need to move on with life. It hurts, you know. Not being able to talk to him daily, see him." _Not in any sort of way. _"But this is the right thing. I can't let the world see how hurt I am."

"But it isn't any better if they see you as an emotion-less bastard."

James shrugged. "I really don't know what you expect from me."

"Just ... I don't know where you are going now. Like, how far you're thinking about this 'moving on with your life' thing." Kendall said on purpose missing to look into James' eyes.

"Are you asking me if I'll ever love someone else?"

"Maybe." This time Kendall made the shrugging move as he put his fork down.

"You know, Logan was always afraid of you making a move on me." A small laugh left James. Neither of the two men knew if it was a good thing.

When Kendall realized what James was saying he instantly blushed. "What, why?"

"He has this talent, you know, telling what will happen in the future."

"Does he?" Kendall hoped that James would forget about that previous thing. "Tell me about it?"

A little pause happened in the conversation when both of them took a sip of their drinks at the same time. Then James, with a heavy sigh, started. "You remember when we met at your father's office?" Kendall nodded. "We were there because Logan had a dream. A so very stupid dream. One that he had seen before his parents died. It was almost the same thing. You know, he dreamed about someone's death, funeral, and all. And these dreams had come back a while ago and Logan was terrified that it would happen again. He said he felt the pain, the carcrash and even more pain. He was so scared to fall asleep. He was literally shaking every night. So one day I brought him back to your dad. That's when we met, you know. I told him that these were only dreams, but I was so fucking wrong. He knew it, Kendall. He knew that something would happen. Something that was going to tear us apart. It wasn't my job, it wasn't an angry fan, or you. It was a fucking carcrash just as he dreamed. The pain he felt ... it was that horrible heart ache that I have now."

Kendall couldn't quite speak for a few minutes. Their desserts arrived meanwhile, but he just stared at it blindly. "Oh gosh."

"Yeah." That little laugh escaped James' lungs again. "That's why I believe that he was right about you, too."

"I swear I'm not ... "

"It's okay, Kendall."

"Is it?"

"Yes." Putting Kendall's hand into his, James nodded. "I love Logan. And this love is going to last forever. No one, ever, will make me love him less. But I believe that my heart is big enough to give some love for new people, too."

"Oh James. No. You shouldn't." Kendall started as he pulled away from his touch. He secretly wanted James, all sort of ways, he did, but then he'd always weird out because of the mere thought of it. It just didn't feel right, and somehow Kendall guessed it wouldn't ever be right.

Seeing his reaction, James didn't push it any further. "You wanted me to talk, Kendall. See? This is why I rather close up. If I choose to move on, all the way, people will judge me. If I choose not to, people will judge me. There isn't a good middle. Nobody will know it, but me, that I have a place for Logan in my heart. No matter what, I will, I swear. But whatever I choose to do, people won't see this. I don't think they will."

"I don't know what to say now." Poking the slice of cake in front of him, Kendall said. "Maybe one thing." Glancing up he continued, "Logan is the luckiest man on this planet. You love him so very much. I've never seen similar. I wish someone would ... once .. oh." Since tears were gathering behind his eyes, Kendall decided to stop.

"Someone will. Kendall, don't worry about that." James told him. "It may be someone you expect least."

That made Kendall smile. "No. The person I least expect to love me that way, no ... that won't happen." He got onto his feet. "Good night, James. See you in the morning."

"Good night, Kendall." James said watching him walk away.


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: hi! thanks for the reviews guys. I'm kind of glad you all want this story to go on lol and see that you demand Logan back rather than wanting to read Kames lol.. ok well.. this, below, is happening because of you all asking for the Jagan action.. **

**also, there was a question about Carlos. if you take a look at the chapters in the beginning you find a part where it's mentioned that Carlos is playing hockey somewhere.. he used to be James' boyfriend, and Logan knew about him, and was pretty jealous, and afraid that he may get back... i want to get him back sometime.. **

**apologies for any mistake you may find.. or any confusion that i cause.. i do not do this on purpose, this is just the way i write lol sorry. **

**anyways, enjoy and review and tell your friends :) Lots Of Love!**

* * *

**Chapter 10**

* * *

Just like any other day, James woke up in a different bed, but with the same sun caressing his face. If there was one thing he demanded from any place he had to stay at, was a room looking towards East. Whenever he was awaken, he wanted to be with that little warm feeling that the sun gave. It was the most he could have, not having Logan by his side got him cold all the time. He needed this warmth to know that he wasn't completely alone. It reminded him that even though Logan was far away in a hospital room, he was alive, he had a chance for living yet.

Yawning, not exactly wanting to get up yet, James turned with his back to the bright morning sun. And found himself facing Logan.

He wasn't surprised. He wasn't scared. He was speechless. And he was crying.

It had been so long ago when Logan had come to see him.

A week?

Nope.

Two weeks?

No.

A month maybe?

_Yeah._

_I have missed you. _ Logan was the first to speak.

James sighed saying, "I've missed you too." With the intention of touching Logan, James reached out. But his hand never met Logan's. "I hate this. You are here and yet you are not. Logan .. "

_No. Don't say a thing. I'll be right gone after I told you a few things._

"I don't want you to be gone. I want you to be awake and lie here next to me blood and flesh." His desperate voice almost cracked while he spoke, but James had to.

_Nothing's working. I want you to ... either order the operation, or get me taken off the machines._

"I'm not doing any of those." Calmly, James said.

_You're not going to be able to move on then. _

"Then I'm not going to move on."

_James, don't be stupid. __I'm almost dead. You can't be alone for the rest of your life because of me. Do you know how bad I feel because of that?_

James didn't answer but looked away.

It wasn't till then that Logan put his hand onto his face. That made James glance at his boyfriend again. "How is it you can touch me but I can't touch you. When I touched you at the hospital you didn't feel it. You didn't feel me." Tears came roughly wanting to tear James' eyes apart. But he held back yet.

_I think it's because my body is ... out. _Keeping the slow caress on James' cheek, Logan said. _This is why I tell you to move on. I'm not going to be okay. Never again. But you still have your whole life in front of you._

"At this very moment it is in front of me, yes."

At that Logan smiled a little. _I can't be your life anymore. You'll have to look after someone new._

James put his hand onto his chest. "I won't. No one will take this place of yours in my heart."

_I see you with Kendall._

"No."

_Yes._

"Why haven't I seen you?"

_I didn't want you to. I see you guys have a great connection. If I wasn't afraid of freaking him out, I'd ask Kendall to give himself more credit, because I know how much you like him. And he doesn't believe it, for some strange reason, but he doesn't._

"When we first met you didn't believe it either."

_It's not about us anymore._

"It is."

_It's about you. James, listen. I'll always be fine, if you're happy. Whether I'm dead, half dead, or awake or anything. My happiness is your happiness. _

"But you are my happiness, Logan. What am I going to do without you?" James cried.

Logan shook his head. _Look around. Since I'm not here how far you have come?_

"I hate this talk, Logan. No. I can't do this." Pulling away from Logan's invisible touch, James wiped his tears off his face. "I don't care what you are saying. I'm not giving up on you."

_Fine. Don't give up then. But don't give up on yourself either. Please, James. _

But James sat up, showed his back to Logan and cried silently. _Please, James. _That was the last thing James heard before feeling a cool breeze filling the room. He knew Logan was gone to nowhere again.

In ten minutes it was time for leaving though, and James had to get himself together, even though he wanted to stay inside the whole day, sobbing, trying to decide what to do. While he was getting dressed, he kept thinking about things that Logan would say. _Rather than trying to make a decision, just go out and see how it goes. Life will make its own decision._

He met with Kendall at the lobby as any other day. Both were packed and ready to leave. "Next stop. Last stop." Kendall welcomed him with a broad smile on his face.

"For now maybe. But how do I know if you already haven't set up something new?" James grinned signing papers for the checkout.

"That's right. I'm sorry for giving you job." With sarcasm seasoning his voice, Kendall said. He could see that James didn't have the best morning so far. He tried to hide his upset mood behind a smile, but Kendall knew better than that. It wasn't his face selling him, it was his way of walking, the way he had to force himself to make a single step. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah." James murmured not even bothering to look at his friend.

It wasn't till a pretty blonde woman joined them that James' attention was drawn back at Kendall. He eyed the girl flirting with him, putting her hands all over him, and then pressing a chaste kiss onto his lips.

James didn't know if he was angry or annoyed, or jealous, but he guessed he was all of those and many more, too. _Fuck no! _He fought the emotions breaking out. _I can't be jealous. At her! No. _With a disgusted expression on his face he chose to turn around and fill the rest of the papers out.

"Damn." He heard Kendall groaning, and figured that the little bitch was leaving.

Finally being brave enough to face him again, James watched Kendall. "Had a good night, huh?"

"I wouldn't say." Kendall sighed waving good bye to the staff of the hotel and making his way out.

Following him James had to wonder what Kendall meant. "So it was either much better than good, or much worse. Which one?" _Why am I even asking? Fuck._

Till they got into the car that was going to drive them to the airport, Kendall didn't answer. "It was nothing. Really nothing."

"Okay. I got it. You don't want to tell me." Plugging his earphones into place, James said.

Of course Kendall didn't want to tell. The night was a failure, a huge failure that he wouldn't ever want to talk about, mainly not with James, who was the major reason of the catastrophe.

* * *

"All right." Kendall stepped up to James who just got done with the last photo shooting. "It's all done then. We can head home right away." Holding his gaze tight on the papers in his hands, Kendall started listing the options. "Or we may stay at a hotel for the night. Which one you prefer?"

Grabbing his forearm, James pulled Kendall aside. "Kendall. I want to apologize for my behavior this morning. It's been going round in my head all day and I'm sorry, okay? I was a real asshole. I understand if you don't want to tell me everything about any thing. I didn't want to be the asshole I was. I don't know what came to me. I had a bad morning ... and I guess I was kinda jealous .. I really have no idea."

"It's okay. I know you're under a lot of pressure. I didn't take it on heart."

"You didn't speak to me all day. Not a word. Kendall, don't tell me you weren't offended." James pointed out.

Kendall shrugged. "I don't tell you that then." A little grin appeared on his face. "Are we good then?"

"We will always be good. You are a great man, Kendall. Thanks for sticking around even though you shouldn't have." Patting his shoulder, James said to Kendall.

"Okay. Okay." Kendall whispered and then slowly started for going away. Till then James hadn't realized that Logan was right. _As ever. _Kendall had a hard time believing that he was a real good friend for James, and meant a lot to him. He had noticed some signs before, but James would always think he was wrong about it. After all Kendall was a successful young man, with incredible looks and talent, and it was hard to believe that he wouldn't give himself enough credit to dare assume that he was a good person.

Thinking of a reason to run after him, James went through the previous conversation with Kendall. "Wait, Kendall." Catching up with him he stopped the blonde. "We didn't decide about today."

"Oh yeah. So what you wanna do?"

James smiled. "Stay. This place is nice. We may go out and get dinner. I'm starving."

"Of course you are." Kendall's little grin appearing on his face again, made James smile. "Well, then. I'll let the hotel know that our reservations still."

"Do that. Meet me in ten at the car?"

"Oh-okay." Quaking the word Kendall pulled away to a safe distance and then walked off.

* * *

_Not sure whether to do this or not. _Walking up and down in his changing room, James suddenly got very scared. _It's just a dinner. Nothing particular. Like the other nights. And mornings. And lunches. Oh gosh. _Realizing how many date-kind-of-meal he had had with Kendall, didn't make him feel better.

_James, for the love of God. Stop! _

It was Logan's voice, but James couldn't see him.

"Logan?"

Answer never came.

Somehow James managed to finish with the freaking out, and made it to Kendall.

He was waiting for him at the car as they had agreed. Opening the door for James, he spoke, "Hey, you are late. Are you okay? Aren't you tired?"

"Okay, yeah. Tired, yeah." Rushing in to take a seat before he would faint, James answered.

Kendall gave orders to their constant driver and then turned to James. "I don't really understand what's going on with you today."

"Actually, I don't understand it either. It's just ... I have ... uh .. " Taking a breath, James tried to figure out how to tell Kendall that he had a talk with Logan. "I have been thinking a lot lately ... about stuff, you know?" An uncertain nod was Kendall's reply. "And here we are ... you and me ... and I was thinking if it's something that Logan would approve."

"I have lost you." Kendall laughed. "What is it that Logan may approve?"

"Well, you and me ... being a thing." James coughed.

"You want to ... ?" He was unable to finish the sentence, but knew that James understood him.

"I don't know. I like you. And ... we spend so much time together ... and I keep wondering what will happen to Logan .. and I know if it wasn't for Logan, I would have made a move on you thousand years ago."

"Holy shit."

"You never believed I liked you?"

"Nope. You always look so professional about everything and everyone. Sometimes it seems like I'm a friend or something ... but this ... oh."

"Well, yeah." James ran his fingers through his hair making it all messy after it was so perfectly styled for the whole day. But when Kendall looked at him he could have sworn that with this appearance, James looked even hotter than usual. "So, do you think we can try something?"

"Anytime. If you're ready. I didn't want to ... because of Lo-..."

"I know. And that's nice. Thanks. But this is what he would want."

That was something to ask about. "You are not doing this because HE would want this, right?"

"I don't know." James shrugged.

Only if Kendall wouldn't know so well what that meant. "I only want to try this if it's YOU wanting this. If you want it because of yourself and not because of Logan."

The rest of the drive was quiet. None of the two knew how to approach each other once things seemed to be ruined.

Yes, James liked Kendall, way too much. But he was afraid of admitting it, for two reasons. One was Logan, and the other one was Kendall himself. James simply didn't want to lead on Kendall, because he didn't know where everything was going.

And yes, Kendall was so into James, but he wouldn't take advantage of his uncertain situation, so he would rather back off than later regret because he ruined their friendship.

When the car pulled up in front of the restaurant, James' phone rang. Kendall eyed him as he answered, then nodded and said "yes, okay and thank you." and then quickly hung up, and then his face froze.

"What is it?"

"The hospital." Turning to Kendall again, James said. "Logan ... they called because of Logan."


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: all right. I don't know what I am doing. I want to finish this and then write a sequel to it with Carlos and Kendall BUT Kendall keeps coming to me when I'm writing and tells me he wants James... so i really REALLY do not know. I hope you like it though... and well.. reviews would be appreciated.. and if I may ask, shall it be above comments like "omg"? haha ok well.. whatever.. do what you want and I'll do what I want as well.. enjoy reading!**

**fingers crossed for Logan :) **

**and apologies for any mistakes you may find!**

**p.s. sorry if the ending is suck-ish! **

* * *

**Chapter 11**

* * *

Not like he wasn't happy for the news about Logan, but Kendall felt quite frustrated that once in his life he had a date planned with a decent guy and then it got all cancelled. But then he knew it was better this way. Kendall didn't want to be with James _that way,_ unless he wanted it truly too. And since it was not going to happen, Kendall accepted that everything happens for a reason, for the best.

His stomach was in tight knot though. James was at lack of words during the entire flight. He would just stare in front of himself and think. Kendall knew that he was thinking about ways to explain everything to him, and to Logan, and to the whole world. It must have been hard, Kendall didn't doubt it, so he left him alone with his thoughts.

_Logan's condition is changing for good. _The sentence echoed in James' mind the whole time of the flight and then during the cab ride to the hospital too. _Why didn't you come to me, Logan? You gave up on yourself when everything is turning to the right direction, why?_ Then his thoughts led him to a pretty insane explanation. _I imagined the whole thing? Have I gone crazy because of the trauma, or was it real? Was it really you? Or was my mind playing with me, along with my heart? I felt you. _"It's so confusing." He groaned not noticing that he said that out loud.

Kendall eyed him for a word, but James didn't know what the reason of the intense gaze was. So it left the situation unexplained to Kendall.

When they pulled off at the parking lot of the hospital, it took all effort he had for James to drag himself up to Logan. He wanted to run, but he wasn't able to do so. He didn't know what to expect. The doctor in the phone told him that this change may not be constant. Logan could easily take two steps backwards in the healing process, just as quick as he had managed to take one forward. _  
_

Without a word to anyone, James walked in to Logan's room. He was still on a few of the machines, but he didn't look so pale now. Taking Logan's hand into his, James had to hold back a sob. "What's become better, love? Are you feeling better? Logan, where are you in this body? I want to talk to you. I want you to feel me. I miss you." His tears fell by the time he finished. Most of them landed on the back of Logan's hand.

_I feel them. I feel you._

"Logan?" James looked around, but saw nothing, but the boring hospital room. "Where are you? Come here. I wanna see you."

_I can't. _His voice was desperate, James heard it. _I don't know what's going on. I'm afraid I'll lose it. I miss you, too._

"No. Logan! Stay!" James said trying to be not too loud. "They say you're getting better. Maybe your body connects your soul now, or I don't know, but it may be a good sign that you can't interact me so easily. Just don't give up."

_I won't. Promise._

"All right. I love you, Logan." Kissing his head and smashing the tears away, James said. "Just stick around."

_I love you, too. _James heard the quiet whisper as he eyed an unmoving Logan. It was too strange hearing his voice but not seeing his eyes open or his mouth moving.

Sinking into a chair next to his bed, James refused to let go of Logan's hand. "You feel it. I know you do, Logan. Stay with me, now. Don't give up just yet. Fight. Fight for us. I'm going through hell without you. It's so hard. I'm so confused about what to do. With my life, with Kendall, with you, with everything, Logan. Please." He then kissed his lovers hand several times.

It wasn't till a quiet sob escaped his mouth, that James noticed that Kendall was standing in the door. "I'm sorry to interrupt." He said when James turned to look at him.

James didn't care since when Kendall was watching him. He didn't care that he saw him crying. He only wanted Logan to wake up finally. "It's okay." He said, his eyes immediately back at Logan again.

"I talked to the doc." Kendall took a step inside the room.

"You may come in." James told him without drawing his eyes away from Logan.

When Kendall closed the door and they were shut from the people outside, James asked. "What did he say?"

"That his condition is better hour by hour. They have made tests the whole day and all seems to be very promising. He's not giving up on you." Kendall's hand landed on James' shoulder.

James nodded putting another kiss onto Logan's hand. "I told him not to. So do they think I made the right decision?"

"Yes. Definitely."

"That's good to know." James hummed.

"I'll leave you alone now." Kendall couldn't bear staying at a hospital for too long. It was stressing and Kendall hated stress. And of course he understood that James would prefer being alone with Logan. "I'm only a call away if you need anything."

For a moment James was silent, but when his brain registered what Kendall just said, he looked up at his friend and said, "Thank you."

Kendall nodded and started for the door.

* * *

The sunshine woke him, just like on a usual day. James softly groaned sitting up in his uncomfortable seat where he had spent the previous night. He hadn't left Logan's side. In fact he regretted it a million times that he hadn't been around the past weeks. _Over-thinking. Nothing was what I could do. _As his senses awoke with his body, James knew that with going on with his life he hadn't done a thing wrong. All that mattered was that he now was there.

Rising from the chair, he kissed Logan's cheek. It felt just as delicious as it would ever. Then decided to walk up to the windows, only to stretch his tired muscles and take a look at the wakening city below.

For a while he admired the view, yawned here and there, and enjoyed the warm rays of the beloved sun.

When he turned around to wander back to Logan's bed he nearly jumped from surprise.

He found himself facing Logan's spirit. "You scared me to hell, gosh." He smiled though. It was good seeing him again. It gave James some kind of comfort, even if it was bizarre. "What's wrong?" Logan's facial expression told James that something wasn't exactly right.

Logan's weak vision made a shrug of shoulders. _I'm sorry._

"Why?" Logan turned towards his body, with that James did so, too. "You seem to be okay."

_No. If I'm here again. No. James, it's not okay._

In that exact moment Dave, Logan's doctor rushed in to the room, nearly ripping the door off of its frame. "Hey, hey what is it?"

"I hoped I'd find you here." The doctor said.

James could still see Logan's soul, but managed to cut staring at him for an instant to talk to Dave, and hoped that meanwhile Logan would not disappear again. "Why? Is something wrong with Logan?"

"I'm afraid, yes."

"No." Realization hit James. _Of course. When you were here you weren't doing well. If you're here again it means ... no ... _With his desperately tearful eyes he glanced at Logan. "No." He shook his head talking to his boyfriend.

"Unfortunately yes." The doctor went on believing that James was talking to him rather than Logan. "As I guessed, this good change didn't last long. I'm sorry. Yesterday's last tests show that his brain activity is lower again."

"No. No. No. Do another test. Do another!" James shouted not even fighting with tears. He let them flow.

Dave approached James to a still safe distance. "I will do. But it's not promising. "

"You said the exact same thing weeks ago and here he is. He was better yesterday! He can make it again. He can make it through." _You can make it through. _He mouthed to Logan's see-through apparition.

The doctor shifted on his feet. "Look, James. We try everything, but the real solution would be an operation."

"No. I'm not agreeing to it." Afraid of Logan dying on the operation table, James wouldn't ever sign those papers. "No. I'm not letting you cut him. No."

"Then all we can do is wait."

"I will wait. For him, I'd wait forever." Hurrying to Logan's bed, James rushed past Dave and took Logan's head. He kissed his cheek, squeezed his hands and carefully looked at his spirit standing at the other side of the bed. Logan knew what he was trying, so he shook his head in response, and said, _I don't feel you. _James cried softly, burried his face into the bed above Logan's apparently lifeless shoulder and whispered, "I will wait forever."

* * *

From the way he walked in, James knew it had to be Kendall coming. So he turned and smiled weakly, but didn't make a sound.

"I heard the news." Putting a bag onto the end of Logan's bed, Kendall said. "I'm sorry."

But James refused to answer. He wouldn't move away from Logan, or even stop looking at him. "I've brought you a change of clothes, and food, and drinks. Stuff you may need. And asked the nurses, you're free to use the shower in here." He pointed to a door that had the separated bathroom behind it.

"Thanks." James managed to say. "Will you watch him while I'm changing?"

"Of course." Hesitation had no place, Kendall knew it. It was the least he could do for James and for Logan. Once when James was out and he could hear the water running, Kendall felt the need to speak to Logan. "Oh, well, Logan." He felt uncomfortable talking to someone that didn't have a way to answer, or show any sign that he understood what was told, but anyway Kendall didn't let this weird feeling take him over. "You know I really like this boyfriend of yours. And it kills me to see him so devastated. You need to wake up. I don't think anyone will make him feel alive again. It's only your magic, you know? They say I have some of that, too, but it doesn't seem to work with him. He loves you to the moon and back and won't give up on you, so you better fight and come back to life, you hear me?"

He did. He did hear Kendall pleading, but what could he do? Whatever he tried, it just didn't work.

"I don't know what to do with him." After a few moments of pause which didn't seem as long as it took in fact, Kendall sighed and went on, hoping to say the right things. "I could keep him busy with more work. I already have got some new jobs. Everyone wants your boyfriend, you know? He did very good job with that company. You'd be very proud of him. His career would take off now. But I'm afraid of making him go, because he wants to be here with you. He's restrained to you. He won't give up on you. I wish someone would do all of this for me, too. But well, it's not about me." Quietly he dared a laugh escape his throat.

James stepped out of the bathroom. His hair wet from the shower, fresh clothes on him. "What are you doing?"

Nervously, Kendall glanced to and fro at James and Logan."Just ... I don't know."

Although Kendall couldn't explain what he was doing, James witnessed it all, and his words put a smile onto his face. "You said some nice things." He made it to the bed with three huge steps.

Kendall shrugged in embarrassment. "You heard?"

"Most of it. I'm quick with a shower."

"Oh."

"Thanks."

Stepping forward, Kendall pulled his hands out of his pockets. He didn't realize he tucked them away. "James, you keep thanking me when I do absolutely nothing."

That made James laugh. "I wouldn't say that it is nothing."

"Okay then. Uhm," Backing some more from the bed, Kendall sighed acknowledging that he wouldn't understand James point of view anyways. "I gotta go."

"See you later."

"Yeah. See you." With a wave, Kendall left the room.

* * *

Two more weeks had come and quickly gone, and nothing had changed. But James was determined on keeping Logan company. And so was Kendall on keeping James company and making sure that he ate and slept enough while looking after Logan.

Both were beyond exhausted, and yet for some strange reason the situation had pulled them closer to each other. Kendall tried to fight against his fear about hospitals, only to spend more time around James. He knew that he must have been lonely sitting with Logan all the time, but now he refused to move away from him. Every single day when Kendall asked James how Logan was doing, James only said "he'll be fine now, soon." He truly believed in it, even though Logan was nowhere to be seen, and yet the tests showed that his condition hadn't changed for the better, not at all.

One time as they sat on each side of Logan's bed and James just finished telling Kendall a story from years ago when he was only friends with Logan yet, Kendall decided to ask something that he was curious about for a long time now. "Why did you fall in love with him?"

A little laugh coming from James filled the pretty hospital room as he started. "He's always been so good to me like no one has ever. He is everything I ever need, you know? He can be a friend, a brother, a parent even, a parent that I never had, and a lover too. He's always there to comfort me when I'm sad. He's always happy for my success. I could never forget how much he's done. I've known him for so long and I have not had a real chance yet to thank him for everything. He's given up on so many things, for me. I feel like he would give up even more, if it comes to my happiness, he's so stubborn." The words came fast and without a second thought. If there was one thing, then the love he felt for Logan, was the one and only he was always sure about.

"Are you afraid of him giving up his life for you?" Kendall couldn't help but ask. It was obvious that the thought was going around in James' head too, and Kendall wanted to know exactly how he felt about it.

A long pause came then. James stared forward blindly as memories took over him. His head ached along with his heart as he remembered of all the great things they had been through together. All the happy moments, all the fights, all the make ups, everything. As the emotions quickly built a strong wall of tears in front of his eyes, James answered, "I am. I don't know what I'll do without him. Happy, I won't be. I don't think so. Not ever again. It won't be the same happiness. With him a part of me would die too."

"Happiness can be different. It depends on the person and the actual thing that makes you happy. It's okay if you won't be _that _happy. You'll be happy in a different way." Not even knowing what he said, Kendall let the words flow.

"You think?" James raised an eyebrow at him.

Shrugging, Kendall was thinking of a further explanation. "I do." He spoke. "My mother died shortly after I finished eight grade. My father was ... literally scaring to look at. He was wasted almost every day. He didn't know how to move on. He was confused and so was I. I didn't know if I could make anything better for him. I thought he wasn't going to be happy again." James watched as Kendall for a moment fell into silence, he knew he was flooded with memories. "But one day when I did something stupid at school he had to go in. He was furious with me for not behaving well and for wasting his precious time. He was finishing his doctoral at that year. So when he went in and talked to my teacher he found out that it wasn't only him whose world had fallen apart with my mom's death. I was there, too. My teacher, she is an amazing woman. Dad spent a lot of time with her, because he knew that I had a good relationship with her as well and this way he got a chance to know things about how I felt that I never told him. Somehow she helped through that rough period. He found another kind of happiness with her. They are married, expecting their first child, happy. And I'm happy for them. I'd be happy if mom was here." His voice cracked, but he kept going, "but I wasn't the person I am if she was with us."

James hesitated, not sure what to say, wondering if he should say something at all. "I see." He murmured quietly, completely at loss of words. "I really don't know, Kendall. I understand it, I really do. But for now I can't think that forward. You may be right. There's one way to find out." His face already had dried from tears but he was about to cry again. "But I don't want that to happen. He deserves to live. He ... he's saved me and so many other lives. He must live." By the time he finished he lost it again, but to cover it up he pushed his palms against his face and sobbed quietly.

Kendall's heart clenched too as he watched his friend. He wouldn't give up on Logan, but Logan didn't seem to take notice of it. Even though Kendall knew it was out of his will, he didn't like this Logan for upsetting James so much. "He'll make it through." He said, however he quite doubted his own words. He hoped Logan would heal, but the chances now were so thin. He knew something that James did not. Logan had been on and off on the road of getting better. Dave, Logan's doctor decided he wouldn't tell it to James to get his hopes up and then have to watch him fall apart again when Logan's condition would turn to the worse again. But Kendall knew about it. And he was fully aware that once the road to recovery is so complicated it's real hard, for the patient and for the family too.

But what could Kendall possibly do? Talk James into the operation and risk losing Logan because of him? James would hate him then. Kendall couldn't bear with such thought. Until there wasn't a _real _sign of Logan getting better or absolutely losing it, he wouldn't give suggestions.

So all Kendall did was leaning across the bed that parted the two friends and pressed a swift kiss onto James' cheek. But when he was about to pull away he was pulled closer and met with a pair of lips.

First his mind didn't recognize the sudden action, but once it did, Kendall returned the kiss. While he did, he felt something, something strange beneath him. He instantly backed off from James and while James believed that the frightened expression on Kendall's face was because of the stolen kiss, Kendall eyed Logan suspiciously. "Logan."

"What? What's with him?" James jumped up from his chair, and trembled with anticipation during the half second that it took for Kendall to answer.

"He moved. I definitely felt it."


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: this chapter is not too good... ah but it's something.. lol I'll end this soon. I really will.. more to come soon.. bye bye ! :)**

* * *

**Chapter 12**

* * *

It had been two months now that Logan was awake and recovering and everything seemed to be back at normal. Like nothing had happened in the first place.

Nobody ever questioned why's though. They were just happy to be over it finally. This was a whole new kind of happiness though, and neither James nor Logan could deny that. Kendall was right. He always seemed to be.

The rugged way of healing had seemed to go by without a problem. James and Logan managed to stay together, none of them bringing up that one kiss between James and Kendall in the hospital. James didn't dare ask if Logan had seen it, and Logan didn't dare question the simple "why?". He knew why. But he also knew that James loved him through everything, and a moment of weakness can be forgiven anytime.

Besides, Logan was fully aware of Kendall's important role during the months when he was off. Kendall was the one holding the soul in James, and Logan could not be grateful enough for his actions. Since he had always known that Kendall had a crush on James, it didn't affect him any more than it had before the accident. Sometimes he would feel uncomfortable when Kendall was around, but he didn't think that there was place for jealousy. James behaved, so did Kendall, everything was perfect.

"I can't wait to get back to work." Logan insisted on making breakfast on the very first day after he was confirmed about his well being.

Meanwhile James set up the coffee machine, he caught a glimpse of Logan's huge smile as he spoke about work. He remembered that he wanted to share good news with him. "Do you remember Adam?"

Logan's eyes lit up at the mention of his little patient. "Of course I am. I totally forgot about looking up how he's doing."

"Well, as good of a boyfriend I am, I did it already." James winked and with that made Logan laugh.

"No way, you did?"

"Of course." Pressing a kiss to Logan's cheek James grinned and watched the eggs getting ready in the pan. "He's now better than ever. His uncle's family takes good care of him. He's got a sister and a brother, a great school to go to, a bright future in front of him."

"I'm very happy about it." Smiling, Logan slid the ready eggs onto two plates and walked to the table with them. Meanwhile James got some fruit juice to drink.

Once they were settled to eat, Logan couldn't help but wonder. "Do you have something else to say?"

"I don't know why you'd say that." Popping a bite of the food into his mouth, James said.

Logan shrugged. "You went after Adam, obviously to amaze me with your wonderful caring self. And when you do such thing, it usually means that you have something else to share too. Something that is less bright for me."

Of course, Logan had lost nothing from his ability to read James. "I'm glad you're indeed healthy." He said, and meant it, even though it came out quite sarcastic.

"Yeah, well." Shifting in his seat, Logan raised his eyebrows at James. "So? What is it?" He hoped it would something about getting back to work himself, but something told him it wasn't going to be that.

"It's not a big thing, really. But you are always so sensitive about this and I didn't really know how to tell you."

"You got me curious and waiting. James."

"Okay, okay." James decided to be quick about it. "Carlos is coming back to town for a while."

"Oh shit." Logan was happy that he didn't have any food in his mouth, otherwise he'd be for sure ending at the ER again from choking on it. Kendall was one thing. He wasn't an issue because Logan knew that he had nothing with James. But Carlos. He was different. They had past. And if Logan was ever jealous of someone, then it was Carlos.

As the sudden jealousy took over Logan's face, James sighed. "See? I knew this would happen. You shouldn't freak out. We're friends. I'm friends with Kendall, too. And you're okay with that."

"Kendall is different. It's a whole different thing with Carlos." Logan's apetite was gone.

"Eat your food." James commanded. At Logan's grunt James gave him a look. "You need to eat fine. You should know that better than anyone. Living on tubes didn't really do good for your system. Eat."

"Fine. But don't ask me to be happy about this little visit of your first love." He was slightly offended apparently.

"I don't understand you, but I take it like you love me way too much and are worried about us, but you should just get over it. You know I love you and only you. I could have moved on and left you behind if I didn't love you."

"I know."

"Then shut up and eat. And Carlos is coming over tonight for dinner, along with Kendall."

"Okay."

That was the last thing said between them during breakfast.

Spending the day in agony because of Carlos' arrival, Logan cleaned up the whole house and cooked the finest meal he could. While James was out, running errands that he was very secretive about. But Logan at that time had his own business to mind, so he had just let James go, whatever he wanted to do was fine with Logan now.

By the time he arrived, Logan sat nervously in the kitchen watching at the texts that James had sent him during the day. I love you. Said one. I'm thinking about you. Another one read. I'm skipping lunch. Meeting someone about work. Love you. It was the third one. And the last one, just had arrived an hour ago, I'm bringing Carlos and Kendall. At home soon. Love you.

"Hey baby." James chirped stepping into the room. "Some delicious smell is coming from here." He caught the standing Logan in a tight hug.

"Yeah. I bet that's led you here, nothing else."

"Now, don't be all mad about me. I had important things to do." James said hoping Logan wouldn't start a fight.

Of course Logan wasn't about to start a fight. He was just feeling lonely and now that James was at home he hated that he couldn't be alone with him. "Nope. I'm fine with that." He said escaping from James' arms and approaching Kendall first, then flashing a smile to Carlos. "Hey."

"Hey." Both replied in unison. Kendall shook his hand, and Carlos smiled politely but apparently he felt the same embarrassment as Logan did. "Your flight was good?"

"Yes. As much as a flight can be good." Carlos murmured running his hand through his short hair. "Just before I got on I had fought with my dear girlfriend and I hated that I couldn't call her to apologize for hours."

Logan's jaw dropped and hit the kitchen floor hard. He shot a sorry look to James. All the jealousy drama was pointless. Carlos was taken. But then so was James when he had kissed Kendall over his hospital bed. Logan tried to shake off the bad thoughts though. It's not helping you idiot. "I hope all is fine now." He smiled with concern at the shorter man in front of him and watched him as he fell into a deep explanation about his girlfriend. All of James, Kendall and Logan had luck to find out about the girl who was incredibly beautiful, as Carlos described her, and smart, too, but also jealous, way over the scale of acceptable, and they had argued about it several times.

That one thing Logan knew well. He was the jealous type, too and Carlos' little talk made him wonder if James ever talked about him the same way when explaining others their situation.

Carlos' laugh snapped Logan out of his thoughts. "But I love her very much. Stephanie is amazing. I wish I could spend more time with her. All the time that she deserves."

"Then why are you here now?" Logan said before realizing how rudely that came out. "I didn't mean to ... "

"It's okay." Carlos laughed again, softer this time. "There is an amount of time that is too much already. And I've been off the season for two weeks now, and we literally spent every minute of it together. She needs to get used to being without me again for longer terms, and that again causes a lot of fights. So we're on and off all the time. And I use this off time to teach her a lesson or two. If she's way too possessive, I'm gone. If she calms her tits, I'm back."

"Dude. That sounds ... cruel." Kendall joined the conversation.

"It does, indeed." Carlos sighed. "But believe me, it's necessary."

James and Logan exchanged glances while Carlos' eyes fell to the floor as if he was thinking about something.

Kendall decided on moving the night's scenario. "All right." He started. "We better get eating before all the yummy food gets cold."

"Yes." Logan rushed them towards the dining room. "Out you all get."

"Oh okay okay." James laughed but before exiting the room he threw a -are-you-okay- look to his boyfriend which to Logan nodded a yes.

When Logan entered the huge room where the guys already had settled down for dinner, they were lightly chatting. Putting the plates in front of each he caught Carlos talking about Stephanie, again. He somehow suspected that it either meant that he was more in love with her than he admitted, or that he was about to break up with her. The lot Stephanie-talk gave this impression to Logan, if not else. Little I know. He thought, taking a seat and giving a smile to James.

Once all of a sudden Carlos quickly changed the subject. Probably he noticed that none of the guys was comfortable with the actual topic. "So, Logan. Everything's back to normal now, we can say, right?"

Humming after a bite of food was swallowed, Logan said, "yes. It's been tough. But I think it's all good now."

"You'd be surprised how quickly you can recover from a coma." Kendall added and earned very interesting looks. "Come now. He was one moment totally off and then awake and from then everything went smoothly."

"Yes. The problem arose from me not being able to wake up. Everyone guessed that after that it would go easier." Logan's sarcasm was clear, Kendall only rolled his eyes.

"Baby, he didn't want to offend you."

"I know, James. I just want to remind everyone that as unbelievable it is, I'm fine. Really."

"Nobody said you weren't." Carlos muttered.

They ate in a long silence from then. Logan would sometimes get up and collect the empty dishes and bring new ones, but there weren't that much talk done. A "thanks" here, and there, and some "you're welcome" or "it's nothing".

"Can you excuse us for a moment?" James asked before getting up from the table shortly after he finished the dessert. When Kendall and Carlos confirmed that they were free to go, James grabbed Logan's hand softly, "would you, please?"

"What's wrong?" James pulled him out to the kitchen.

Shrugging his shoulders Logan made a face that James couldn't read. "Logan talk to me. You have no idea how much I hate it when you're holding back."

"I do have an idea." Logan snapped. "I feel the same about you."

"I don't know why you say that. I'm always open about anything."

"Yes? Are you?" Raising his eyebrows at James, Logan questioned.

"I don't know what you're talking about. Just spit it out." Getting angrier by each passing moment, James demanded.

"All right. Since I woke up we have not ever talked about important things. It's always so casual between us. I don't know why. I'm confused. We barely talk about the fucking accident. When it comes up you quickly change subject, but when dear Carlos brings it up you immediately get into it."

"What the hell you are saying, Logan?" James only kept his voice low because his friends were in the next room.

"Just talk. Tell me something. I want to know. If someone talks about those times you're fine with it. If I do, then you turn with your back to me! Why?!"

"I don't know."

"Don't fucking lie!" Logan didn't care at all if they had guests.

"He didn't just ask about the accident." James breathed heavier as he got furious. "He asked if everything was okay and you answered. I didn't even get to say a word about it. I don't know why you fuss around."

"That's the problem. You should have. It's not only about me. Hasn't it affected you, too?"

"It has."

"Then?"

"I don't want him or anyone else to think that something is not right."

"So? Why won't we talk when it's the two of us? You could tell me what impact this situation has on you."

"Logan, I ... I don't know." Turning and showing his back to Logan, James threw his hands up. "I was through hell when you were out and I don't like thinking about it. I don't even know if I was sane for a moment of those weeks. It was all so strange. If Kendall ... and the work hadn't been there I'd have gone seriously crazy. I'm afraid we'll come to a point where you'll ask questions about what I did meanwhile and you won't like my answers."

"James." Logan put his hand onto his shoulder and maneuvered him to turn around. "Yes, I'm afraid of some answers, but we can't pretend like nothing happened. It DID happen and there are obvious consequences. I know you love me, you always have." Crashing his lips against James', Logan collapsed into his arms. "I hated that I couldn't feel your touch. I felt your presence. But I didn't know if you ever touched me. It feels so good to be near you again."

"You've always been there, silly. Most of the time." Caressing his back, James said to Logan.

"I don't know what you mean."

"You don't?" Pushing Logan slightly away, James looked down at him with a surprised expression.

Logan shook his head as no. "That's weird." James mumbled. "Whatever. We'll be more open about it now, okay? Whatever you want. But don't get all frisky if people ask something you don't like."

"All right."

While wandering back to Kendall and Carlos, with Logan on his side, James wondered if Logan really didn't know about what had happened while he was in coma, or he just pretended like it. He may think he dreamed the whole thing. James thought. But if I was imagining it only?


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: this is totally random, but this fic is ending at Chapter 13. I hope all of you have been around enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing. **

**Please forgive me for my poor writing, for any mistakes you may find. I tried my best. I always will.**

**Stay tuned for more stories from me, a new Kenlos and Jarlos are coming soon... :) **

**Thank you!**

* * *

**Chapter 13**

* * *

"Call me soon." That was the last thing Carlos whispered to James before stepping out of the house after a very long night.

Kendall hugged James and shook hands with Logan and then followed Carlos.

Closing the door James sighed and literally was afraid of looking at Logan. He wasn't angry, but he was upset with him. James feared that seeing Logan's facial expression would betray that he was disappointed in Logan. And knowing how much Logan took such things to his heart, James had no intention of hurting him. Rather than that he swallowed and tried to forget this night's events. It was quite a roller coaster in mood and the heaviness of chats. But after all nothing could beat the happiness that Carlos' visit caused to James. Not even Logan's behavior. Logan acted too weirdly the entire night. It didn't matter that James had told him that he had no interest in Carlos, neither in Kendall. Logan's jealousy would always jump above the roof, with that killing the mood that hardly settled well at all.

So rather than starting an argument, James didn't even glance at Logan, just walked past him and started for the stairs.

Logan knew too well what was happening, so he had no intention of asking anything, not wanting to pour fuel to the already burning fire, he dragged himself after James quietly. The situation upset him, too, and he hated it. Logan hated disappointing James, and suddenly he wished he could turn the time back to make it all right.

They got into bed without a word to one another. James wrapped his arms around Logan, not knowing what tomorrow was going to bring. Is there a time at all when you know it? No. There is not. You may have plans, but you never know what actually will happen. And although James had plans that consisted of going to Kendall to talk through some possible job offers that Kendall had mentioned earlier that night, he didn't know if he was going to make it till then.

After all they had had plans on that terrible night too. They had had plans about getting to the airport, then the next day talking to each other, James modeling, Logan saving lives till they would be together again. But they had been parted because of an accident.

_What are plans even made for? _James wondered remembering of so many occasions when Logan and him would have perfect scenarios and they were ruined within an instant.

_When we got to know each other._

I was planning to spend the night with my boyfriend, Carlos. We wanted to watch movies, cuddle, make out on the couch, enjoy that we were free from our parents for a few hours.

But Mrs Collins found that I was nearly failing at math.

So she insisted Logan tutoring me.

I had never even noticed the boy being in the same class as me. I hadn't paid much attention to those in the first rows. I was almost at the back with my mirror, with my dreams, with cute girls and guys all around me.

And then there was him.

I remember him trying to convince Mrs Collins that he couldn't make it. In fact he just _didn't want_ it. After all why would anyone want to help someone out who was completely ignoring them? He didn't admit it to me though. Only after our relationship turned into something serious, when Carlos was already away. But I understood him. I had wanted that tutoring just as much as I wanted to be smart. Not at all I wanted it. But I needed it. So I had to call Carlos and cancel our plans. I know I kind of hated Logan for ruining it, even if it wasn't his fault at all.

He had had his own plans too. "Don't look at me like that." He said to me once we were dismissed from classes that day and we started for the way to my house. "I'm not too fond of this thing either. Just so you know."

"Ah of course." I snapped turning on the corner and literally jogging towards my street. I wanted the day to be over the sooner the better. "I bet you wanted to stay at home and study or do something nerdy."

"I have plans for my future, you know? I want to be a doctor and I _need _to study all the time when I can. I'm not sure I can make the college without scholarship."

"You're saying that like you assume that I don't actually have anything in my mind for the future."

Logan shrugged. "I don't know. Do you?"

I then realized that I hadn't. I had always been wondering what it would be like to be a model of some sort, but I never actually had made serious steps in order to make this dream come true.

My silence told Logan's answer before I could have opened my mouth to speak. "See? You must have plans, options to go with. Something always can come in between, like today .. but it's not like it's a life-changing shit. It's just some tutoring. We get over it and then go on with our lives."

Of course Logan had no idea how life changing that day was for us.

"Whatever." I murmured and I was for once in my life happy that I lived for only three minutes from the school. I swiftly made it inside and Logan followed me. "Make yourself comfortable. I'll fix you a drink. What would you want?"

"Just water." Logan replied and I started for the kitchen.

"Something to eat? You not hungry? Mom left some food in the oven I see." I yelled so I knew he heard me.

"No, thanks." He said and peeking out of the kitchen I saw him admiring the living room. As later I got to know it was nothing like his place. Logan was awed from the luxury I lived in. "I don't wonder anymore why you don't worry about your future." He told me as I entered the room with our waters.

"Yeah.. uhm, let's start okay?" I didn't want him to hang around for long. God, I was stupid. I just wanted my Carlos.

We somehow managed getting through the important basics I needed to know for the following test, and I could tell Logan was a damn good tutor. He was way better than Mrs Collins actually. But probably my opinion had to do something with the fact that about Mrs Collins I had never cared, but when Logan spoke it grabbed my attention and it was able to keep it. I was amazed by his enthusiasm of the subject, and soon I realized he was like that about anything. He was cheerful at that time, and smiled a lot while teaching me and laughed at my jokes, and even could make some of his own. They were suck-ish at first but then he was getting better at it.

It hadn't been the only time we studied together. The following week had gone by with us spending a few hours together _every day. _As I figured, Carlos had no problem with it, and I needed Logan's skills to pass the exams.

And I discovered that the little nerd from the very front row was a real good boy.

Someone I would have regretted not knowing.

Thank God (and Mrs Collins) I had gotten a chance to know him.

Even if with the continuous teaching he kept blowing up my plans with Carlos, one after another.

I had enjoyed spending time with Logan. But of course I wouldn't let him know that. I'd always talk to him a bout how perfect Carlos was and how much I loved him. Which was all true, but I guess at some point I had crossed a line and Logan was uncomfortable around me. Now I know this could be the reason of Logan becoming so overwhelmingly jealous of Carlos that he couldn't move on after all these years.

But the entire truth be told, by the time I had been studying with Logan, my relationship with Carlos had become a little shallow. He'd always play hockey and improve his skills to get to a good college with a scholarship. Meanwhile I had just been hanging around not even knowing what I had wanted to do with my life. So I always had ended up at Logan's. Even if in fact I hadn't needed tutoring. I just wanted to be with him.

And I couldn't go elsewhere that night either when Carlos told me that he had wanted to broke up with me because he wouldn't like to try a long distance relationship. I had loved him more than my life, but I knew better. I had had to let him go and walk on his path, while I had had to focus on finding mine.

I hadn't really realize that I had already found it.

It was Logan.

All the time it was Logan.

It would always be him.

Only him.

That very night we just had laid together, he had been talking the whole night just to take mind off of Carlos.

He had been the one leading me through that period.

And our bond had only gotten stronger.

But I still could not confess that it hadn't been about losing Carlos anymore. It had been about not knowing how to get _him _to me.

We had gone to college. We had been close to each other so we had spent just enough time together that anyone would say had already been too much.

Then one night I just couldn't take it anymore.

We had been laughing all night and held hands and I had come out with my feelings.

And what had he answered with?

He kissed me.

Later he told me that that one kiss had been his first.

He had been so brave. My Logan had always been the toughest person I'd ever known.

Even when he had lost his parents. He had been so strong. I had admired him. I had been there with him just like he had been there for me when Carlos had moved away.

As the memories played in front of his eyes like a movie, James pulled Logan closer. He knew that they'd always belong together. He believed that Logan's impossible behavior was only due to his own stupidity years ago. And that was honestly one of the cutest things in Logan, James thought so.

"Logan?" James spoke, his voice felt strange to hear. It was shaking.

"Hmm?" Logan looked up at him from where his head rested, on James chest.

"I want to ask you something."

"I don't know why I behaved like that. I'm sorry, James. I love you."

"I know you do. It wasn't the thing I wanted to ask." James grinned. He needed to get it over with before he'd panic.

"What is it then?"

For a while James was thinking about ways to ask such thing. But he couldn't bring up any better than the simplest version. "Marry me."

"That's not a question." Logan smirked kissing James' lips.

"Smartass." James slapped Logan's butt lightly. As Logan pulled away James noticed that he was smiling. "So?"

"Isn't it obvious?" Caressing James' face, Logan asked.

"I love you Logan Mitchell. You're my life. You've always been. And though we've got so many dark clouds above us all the time, I can't imagine going a day without you. I want you. All to myself. For the rest of my life."

Logan smiled wider as James spoke. "Yes. I will marry you. We belong together. I need you, and I can feel it, you need me too. And I promise I'll be here. Forever. Through everything, everyone."

They got lost in a kiss to make it official, and James knew well enough that while he had been thinking about their history, Logan was doing the same.

And they came to the same point all the time.

They belonged to each other. They needed each other.

How could one love make it through so much and even more?

They didn't know, they didn't understand.

They didn't need to.

Wonders always just have to be wonders.

But they happen for a reason.

* * *

**The end**


End file.
